I'm so confused. I don't know what's going on in my stupid messed up head. I know that I hate hurting like this, but I also know that it will kill me to say goodbye. I don't want to jeopardize anything, but I know I probably already have. I'm so stupid. I'm pretty sure I ruined a really great friendship over stupid emotions. I can't take any of it back, and I can't change the way I feel, but maybe I can change the way I react, the way I respond to stuff like this. Think much more than I already do before I speak...
I can keep trying, but it doesn't mean anything is going to change.
I'm just so tired of hurting myself like this...Thinking these thoughts, and dreaming dreams, and wishing wishes...I know it's all my fault, I know it's something I should have never started. I know they say you can't help who you love...but I really wish I could. I can try to make myself believe I don't. I can try to convince the rest of the world, really test my acting ability...but who knows if I can do that without breaking down, again and again? I'm an emotional spazoid. Everyone knows that...at least I think they do.
I never should have asked the questions I asked. But you can't revoke the past. These things I've done, can't be taken back, so I guess I'll just live with the consequences. I can try to mend things, try to make it better, but there's no guarantee on how long it will last, or if it will even work at all. I guess we'll see? Or maybe I just won't try...because I don't want to cause any further damage.
I know you'll probably never understand...but I'm trying.
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