|Current mood:|| uncomfortable|
|Current music:||::can't make you love me:: bonne raiitt|
Okay so life was going OKAY. i knew adam wasn't going to call the next day like he had said.. so i just ignored what he said and pretended we didn't talk that night. i had begun to re build my heart in hopes to fix everything he has broken... but then i came to the realization that i can't. like madonna once said... "only the person who causes the pain can mend it". so that proves true. neway.. despite the fact i knew i couldn't fix it entirely, i wanted to at least *TRY* right? trying could help mef eel a lil better.. or at least i thought. so neway... as my week progressed i found myself keeping busy becuz i don't need to babysit until this coming wednesday. i had gone everywhere with dan, and his friend (which is now a mutual friend of ours) chris, has started to call me as well. I luv chris... he's a sweetie. let me tell you. he left me an oh so cute voicemail. i'll save it forever. lol.just playing.
anyway.. 2 or 3 nights ago, i went out with dan to chris's *(who actually lives right around the block from my grandma) cuz chris was haven a party. but we got tere late n everhyone was leaving. so we chilled for 10, 15 minutes.. and then went to john minogues...(he's 20 now, he's lisa, who is dans older sisters boyfriends) cus they were drinkin n stuff... so i went with. johns friends, john, john, john (lol theres a billion) scott, mike and then lisa n her friends were there... we talked n chilled. i love those guys theyre hott n so fun. tehe.. well anyway i got h9ome and i was beat tired cus work that morning was hell. it was so busy. Theres 2 liters, orange juice and this big thing of apple juice on sale so of course everyones buying them and my arms so sore from baggin all that heavy shit lol.. sum lady bought celery and i went to pick it up and i flung it off the counter cus i was so used to pickin heavy stuff up lmao..) but neway
that night i put up an away message that said :omg sleep is so good, call me and fucking die" so of course becuz it says NOT to call, i hear my phone ringin and its adam.. so im shocked number 1 that he called, hah and 2 wondering why. i figured as much it was becus my a.m said not to. ill be crying and needing him to call and he wont.. hes just dumb..
so hes talkin to me sayin all this shit, and im juss tryin NOT to be hurt by it becuz he caleld and i wanna talk to him ya kno, and then he talks about how he fucked sum gurl and it was so great. i swear to fucking GOD my heart broke all over again right then nd there. i can't even explain the hurt, the betrayal, the pain i felt once again. i felt soo backstabbed i think becus.. he was my first you know? and i never wanted to have sex with any guy ever until i was married.. but me and him were together for so long i felt so close.. and i felt like he'd never hurt me.. (HAHAHAHHAHA) so i did...and now i regret it with everything i have! After he said that to me, i knew we'd never EVER be the same i can't EVER do anything with him...no matter how much he tried to get me back. which he won't cus he wont try.. i tried to keep it together, but then i started crying and i snapped. i said "omg i hate you seriously, with a passion! i swear if you died, i honestly wouldn;t care!" and hes like u sure? and i knew right then and there he'd hang up...but i said yea neway cus i thought MAYBE he'd kno why i flipped out. he did the same thing and i kno he felt the same way...when he thought i slept witjohn. but he hung up on me and when i called back he didn't pick up.. when i IMed him to ask em what his problem was he told me to fuck off and blocked me.
i kno its better off this way.. i just wish he'd kno why. it hurt soo much to kno that the guy i gave my everything to, did that with sum other gurl.. that wasn't me. The ONLY reason i ever did itw/ him was cause i love him so much.. he basically hung up on me becus he pissed me off. he makes no sense.. i hope he's happy fucking random gurls and i hope he KNOWS NOW WHY IT IS THAT I CAN'T EVER TRUST HIM EVER.
he disappears, then he'll come out of no where, try to lead me on, disappear, and then come abck to tell me he fcked sum other gurl. SERIOUSLY, what KIND of gurl would sleep with jus sum guy? it took me a year and 1 month to even think about that with him and me and him were so close. that jus really shows that the gurls over tehre r soo different.. theyll sleep with anyone. fuckin whore.