|Current mood:|| sad|
|Current music:||Hoobastank- Running Away (thanks awesome_girl)|
the opposite of a breakup?
Breakdown of course.
How do I know this? Because I haven't had a breakup, I'm mid breakdown.
I absolutely hate this. This feeling of not being able to feel good. Someone asked me about what happiness was, and I said the point/moment in which you do not feel a splinter of negative emotion. Right now, I feel anger, hatred, sadness, and pain.
I hate the way that I feel fat, even if I can fit into normal clothes. I'm still a 33 at the smallest. I went through my drawers today: 2 pair of black pants, 1 pair of cargos, 3 pairs of jeans (one ripped :P), 1 pair of capris, one pair of board shorts... this is out of a possible 3 pairs of black pants, 2 pairs of cargos, 6 pairs of jeans, 2 capris and 1 board shorts...So, essentially I DONT FIT INTO HALF MY CLOTHES AND I HATE IT
I hurt because (almost) every guy I've fallen for (romantically) since grade nine has turned out to be gay. I'm talking about the ones who I've actually been really into, not just "oh they're cute". The exception to this is Ryan in London (who is bi and has a b/f) and EB...who is going to be a priest (yay).
I am angry at myself because I don't feel like I do enough but I know that I do too much at the same time. I work, I have school, I push myself in school, I push myself at work, until it hurts. I try to do everything I can in the church and in life. I try, and I try. But I mean for the past 4 nights straight, I have gotten less than 5 hours sleep: been awake from 7 am to 2 am every day. I don't mean to sound selfish by any means, but I need more sleep. I need more me time.
I despise my high school. I cannot wait for te next 4 months to be over. The people there don't really care. About me, about learning. About anything. They are stuck in their own little self obsessed world, in which they control all because they drive Mercedes, BMWs or just simply a 2004 Honda Civic (which are kinda nice). They couldn't care less if I dissappeared tomorrow or the next day. They are so self obsessed it hurts.
I hate being upset, and I get upset when I hate stuff...tis a vicious circle.
Love you all, always