Hey all- Whats shakin? Well, hmm, what to say. Well, basically I guess this is an introduction to me, who I am, who I love - that kinda thang.
My name is Eric, I'm tha basic all around troubled, f%d up confused, angry, bitter, evil, manipulative, overly-charming, non-confident, kill you in your sleep, dark, drab, sinister at times, always alon kinda person. Well, at least I was! I've changed a lot, and sometimes I wonder why bother? The old ways always worked so well for me - but have you ever gotten to a point where you just didn't know who you were anymore? Yeah, that was kinda me. I still don't know who I am - lol - or why I wanted to change from the old ways. Sex, drugs, and Rock and Roll- what could be funner rite? Well, as with everything, I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted so much to be happy, to smile, to not see people and think - "Drop Dead dickhead!" I wanted to be able to wake up and for no reason, just be happy. I can't remember when I was just happy, just me, just normal. I could care less about life, hell, sometimes, I tried to end it, but, much to my dismay, it never really worked. Really, all that time, the only thing that I wanted to find was me, and someone who accepted me. There have been 3 people that I can EVER remember of that I loved more than anything. One died, the second- long story, and the third is the kid I grew up with. He's still around (married- kick ass wife!) and we hang as much as possible. Sitting here now, I am so tempted to smoke a joint, or do something like that- but I don't, and I wont. At lest not today. I lost touch with myself a long time ago, and wanted to get it back. Now, when your like me, you need one HELLUVA good reason to want to change. The odds of finding that one reason is slim to none because really, I don't know if I TRUELY wanted to change all that much. I didn't like who I was, BUT - I didn't like what I became either - BUT - the lost me needed to come back sooner or later. I was happy once, and I wanted to be happy again! Definately a rock and a hard place. Ya know though, I think I have found the reason. Its the BEST reason I think I've ever had. After all this time, and all these years, I FINALLY think I've found what I was always looking for, what I had lost long ago- My SOUL! ME - the REAL ME! The HAPPY ME. I had slowly started to change and stop the old ways. I did ok, but never really gave up everything. Come on, when your used to certian things for so long, sometimes its just becomes second nature and you can't help it. Its like a reflex. I mean, some of the stuff - I still do- but NO WHERE to what I used to. So, to truncate this sordid story a litlle, and spare everyone with the self-healing, spirtual process, ever so blissfull experience (YES! I'm being sarcastic) lemme just say this.
On FEB 19, 2003, I found something. Someone had responded to a personal add that I posted. Usually a chep and easy way to find a quick hook-up, WHICH IS EXACTLY what I hated about being gay. As far as all the adds went, I, unlike most, JUST WANTED A FRIEND that I could talk to and realate to. Yeah, try and find that!Anyways, that someone wrote:
"Hey there...why do you say you're a dork? lol, you seem to be a bit like me..haha, well then again...I can see why you say you're a dork. IF ANYONE's like me...then they HAVE to be a dork! lol. No no, I'm not being mean...I dont think you're a "dork". You seem pretty awesome. And yeah...I know what you mean when you're just looking for a friend...and everyone's into sex. It's degrading...and makes me feel scummy. Heh, oh forgot to mention..I saw your profile on planetout. Are you on AIM? if so, drop me a line, my screenname is ---------------------------- if not, then reply soon!!! :-p
Out of all the crap I've gotten, that was about the coolest reply cause whoever this was, obviously thought like I did (scary thought). So I e-mailed back and we chatted online for a bit here and there. Well, in a couple of days, this someone had disappeared, and that's all it took for me to say-
"I knew it! Everyone is scum, people suck!" I was a little bummed cause I liked talking to this person. On IM, they were amusing, cool, and NEVER mentioned ANYTHING about sex, or sizes, or ANYTHING!! They were TOTALLY AWESOME! And that person even had pics on the web that I checked out. DAAAMN MAN!! This person had it all- Looks, charm, talent, could carry on a conversation. So naturally I was bummed out when he vanished from me as quickly as he came. Oh well, what better to drown depression with booze and other stuff? Told ya, somethings don't change :-(
Well, I didn't want to so I held off for a bit, and - as fate would have it- that person re-appeared about 10 days (give or take) later. I was VERY happy to be able to talk to him again.
So, to further shorten the story, I DID find what I was looking for. His name is Matt (Matty, Romie, Edina! lol), and I BELIEVE that he IS the one for me :-). He IS what I've been looking for all this time. I can't explain it really. Things are strange like that. He fills an empty part of me that had been lost some time ago, a part that I wanted to get back all these years. He, to me, is HAPPINESS, BEAUTY, WARMTH, EVERYTHING that I had lost! We had our FIRST OFFICIAL date the past weekend, and I know now that he is a gift from God (praise Allah Matty!! lol). He makes me feel like I want to. He doesn't judge me, doesn't expect things from me, makes me laugh, makes me cry, holds me, cares for me, LOVES ME!!!
Matt- lemme just tell ya, and I don't care who reads this- I WOULD GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH, THRU THE FIREY PITS OF HELL, AND JUMP INTO A VAT OF ACID (ewww) for you. "KK" it probably would have been easier to say "I'd do anything for you" but hey - I have a flare for the dramatics sometimes- lol. You TRULEY are my reason for wanting to change and be who I USED to be. Even though we can't be together EVERY day (for now!! lol) I feel that you are still a part of me. Thru ANY times- good or bad, I will ALWAYS be there for you, maybe not physically, but mentally, and in spirit! You are VERY much a part of my everyday thoughts, and I NEVER want that to change. Know this, my Love, if something ever happened and we werent together (as long as it can be backed up with facts! ROFLMAO) I would GLADLY accept a friendship! I would rather have ANY part of you in my life rather than nothing at all (allthough above all that giberish, the relationship thing CAN'T ever be replaced, so that's why your stuck with me for life now!!! Suxs to be you- lol). We havent know eachother from years in the past, but knowing what I know of you so far, I want to be able to get to know you for years to come. I LOVE you more than I can ever say, or show, and I can NEVER thank you enough for finding ME!
Love NOW, ALWAYS, AND FOREVER!
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