| Current mood: |  depressed |
| Current music: | Stronger ~ Sugababes |
rainy mornin.. (nat)
It's saturday mornin and it's raining. Gosh..how I hate that. I mean, the feeling that you wake up, take a look out of the window and you see nothing but rain. It's not a really good motivation to stand up and do the thing you have planned for today. Well, for me it's ok. I haven't planned anything anyways. My life is a bitch right now and the weather helps me to get even more depressive. 'But, it's just a phase and it'll be over soon..' (note: Incubus). Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it will be over soon, I just have to chill.
It's just now I'm not sure about everything I do. Do I really wanna do that job. Is it really what I want to do? I just can say 'No'. But what else shall I do? Still a bit more than a year, then I'll be finish with my training. Can't wait until the day I'll get my certificate and diploma. Then after that, my life will begin. Sometimes I'm in despair. I just wanna quit everything and runaway. There are times that I was thinking that I can't face it nomore. The pressure from work, school, friends. The most pressure comes from work. I did never ever think that I could be such a tough woman. Lately I work 11hours per day. If everything wasn't right I was the trash can for every problem. "Nat, could you please do that for me until tomorrow.." - "Sure." - "Nat, can you come? we have to check something." - "Of cos." - "Nat, I have no time, can you go to the meeting for me?" - "Sure, I have not clue what the meeting is about but, ok.". I'm in a tricky situation. I'm the training. I can't say 'No'. I just have no nod my head. That sucks.
I talk with my mom yesterday again. Sometimes I just wanna isolate myself from the bad world that's waiting for me outside the door. But I guess I just have to face it. I can't avoid those suckers out there who waits for me around every corner. She's the only one who knows what I am going thru. She is the one who always cheer me up when I have no hope and want to quit my job (I just have to mention that I runwawy from my last apprentiship once already). She is the one who understand me the most and she was the one who said: "Sweetie. I understand you. I know what you wanna do and whatever it is I will support you to death. But just do one thing for me. Finish your training. That would be the greatest gift that you can do for me. I just want that you have something like a diploma in your hand before I let you go out and live in the big world, surrounded by capitalists.". *bangs head on the desk* Yeah..I wanna do that too. You might know by yourself how hard it is to get a job now-a-days. And I want to do it for my mom. That she can be proud of me. I know she is already, but I want to get that damn diploma! She said she respects me for what I am. I was in tears as she said that. I mean, my MOM told me that she respects me for what I am and for what I'm going thru. I don't hear those words that often..
My mom's doing not that good lately. Normally I talk to my mom or dad (well, mostly to my mom) every day when I get home. But I know what my mom is going thru. She's not in the best condition right now. There are days that I come home late from work and she was in bed already. And the next morning I wake up to go to work and she was still in bed. It's a strange feeling to not talk to anybody in your family for 3 or 4 days if you live in the same house. That's why I enjoy and appreciate those weekends and holidays where I can just sit here and talk to them.. :)
~nat
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