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the loudest beating heart (roaring_rory) wrote,
@ 2012-03-09 14:24:00
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    #1367: things I'm upset about
    In the hope that writing them out may help me acknowledge them, instead of bottling it up.

    * failing the JLPT. Again.
    * having a stuffed ankle and hardly being able to do anything without it hurting.
    * when I got engaged I told Cie-anne personally. Even though I haven't seen her in a long time and she hurt me pretty bad by never coming to see me when she said she would. I thought she'd like to know, so I told her. We used to talk about being each others bridesmaids, and I wasn't willing to pretend that I would even consider her, but I still told her I was engaged. And she spouted all this stuff about how she missed me and Harlequin so much and wants to see us again and blah blah blah. Anyway, she's engaged now. She didn't tell me. She didn't respond even when I said congratulations to her.
    * actually this kind of thing happens a lot. I'm often trying to be friendly and lovely and offering olive branches to people. So it stings whenever I get snubbed. This happens a lot.
    * my brother also never told me he was engaged. I also went to visit him for Christmas and felt a little bit like I shouldn't have been there when everyone was doing all their gift exchanging (I bought gifts for people) and uh... I just sat there at the side of the room, watching.
    * I really miss Harlequin whenever I'm not with him.
    * a few of my emotional breakdowns from over the last few years have been brought to my mind recently and it's like I'm feeling ll the things all over again.
    * I led a g group on Friday and it went terribly. I hate big g groups. I hate not preparing my own study. I hate this series.
    * uni really sucks so far this year. Really, really sucks. I don't want to be there.
    * selfishness of other people bothers me. Some of the explicit things that bother me I have been guilty of in the past.
    * people who don't want to talk, who just want you to listen, really bother me. I've always been a big listener so I haven't noticed this in the past but I've realised that even if I do need to talk some time, especially if I want to be talking to a Christian, Harlequin is basically the only person I've got. But so many people use me as their person to talk to. And sometimes I feel like I can't deal with it any more.
    * I very rarely want to be around my mother. This has been difficult lately.
    * I keep missing my alarm. Then when I wake up late I feel like a lazy piece of poo.
    * I'm oversleeping.
    * I'm so tired.
    * and it's cold. And I'm taking it a little personlly that we never got summer.

    While I'm sure I could keep going, I'm getting tired so I'm going to stop. And... I'm goi g to make my next post an experiment.


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