| Current mood: |  rejected |
| Current music: | Hizzi Dalli Hizzi (Move and Continue to Move) - Emad Sayyeh |
[Last] Thursday I went shopping with my mom, the ultimate aim was for pants. I have three pairs of pants, two that I like and wear the most often and one that I hate beyond hate. Well, as luck would have it, I get nice big unfixable holes in both my pairs of good pants, so I figure it's time for shopping. The last few times I've needed pants we'd bought them at Reitman's so we tried there first, but the size that we had always gotten before were too small. Too fucking small. Well that's wonderful huh? I have yet to see the benefits of swimming regularly every week since summer. Lovely. There was nowhere else to go in that mall that would have pants that would a) fit of b) would fit and I'd be willing to wear, so I was out of luck.
I was a little upset about this, as I always am when things like this happen (which tends to be quite often lately). The next night I went shopping again, this time at a mall with a hell of a lot more selection than Mill Woods Town Center. We stopped at a whole heck of a lot of stores and I just had to look at the pants they carried to know that they wouldn't fit. Close to the end of the trip, when we had almost visited all the stores that we were willing to go into we go to Thrifty's. I was starting to get tired and desprate because like I said before, I seriously needed pants. I mosied on over to the men's section and grabbed a pair of pants, they fit like I knew they would, they're black, it's all good so I bought them.
Now I don't have a problem with the pants I bought. They're comfy, they don't look too bad. The problem is that everytime I look at them it's like a slap in the face. I can't fit my fat fucking ass into girl pants. When talking about it I say that I got them because all the girl pants are ugly, and they were but I want to be able to say that I had a choice, that I could have got something else, that I chose not to get anything else.
I don't know if I'm writting coherently and I really don't care. I'm tired and upset and just plain uncomfortable in my body. Uncomfortable in a way I haven't been for quite a while. I didn't start swimming and bellydance to lose weight. My goal is to get back into shape, but it would still be nice to not be fat.
That's all I care to write about this right now. I'm too tired. Tired of everything.
I'm tired in a new way. Tired in the way that I feel like I could just fall asleep and stay that way forever. Tired of life. I haven't felt like this for so long, I thought I was over it. I hate being so ashamed of my body. I hate not being able to love my body. I hate not being able to be proud of it.
I'm not trying to get attention, if I was I'd actually be telling people this, but no. I haven't told anybody. I don't want to talk about it. I know that it doesn't matter what other people think. I don't care about other people. I care what I think, that's what hurts the most.
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