a smile in her eyes and a sunflower in her hair.* (retro_chica) wrote, @ 2008-08-10 09:48:00

Angst
this morning i was clunking my spoon in my cereal loud enough to even annoy me.

i don't like cereal.






i don't like what i'm doing to myself.

i step on the line
off the line
very quickly
very emotionally

and very subconsciously
and consciously.



i don't know what's gotten into me.

i'm so easily irritated by everyone.

and i'm botching things up just because i can.
and the only times i enjoy are either by myself
or in front of seeming strangers
like extras in movies.

hell even with them i'd wear a clown wig in front of my face
and make obscene gestures with my hands.

inevitably, remorse follows.

i've lived for ten minutes on and off without my shadow like peter pan.
wendy's never there to sow it on,
and i don't know if my superglue's expired.

wait a minute -
superglue expires?

maybe i'm expired
maybe that's why i'm so
neurotic and crazy.

but what scares me the most is that for the moment
i'm okay.

and then i want things the way they were.




i want s p a c e.

i want it to be okay to live on the moon for a month in nothing but maddening silence
just to shut me up
and calm me down

i want that to be okay with my parents
i want that to be okay with my parents
without me feeling guilty.

that's what i've been trying to do.

like trying to take the sour cream off meted cheesy nachos.
a stupid fantasy unless you order them without it.

but i need the sour cream for my own health
and for my family's.
its our superglue.

but i'm scared its expired.

and spaceships can take me to the ends of the world,
but they have to take me back,
whether i land on earth or not.

running from our problems only makes them follow us faster,
tinkerbell was never far behind.









i don't know what i want,
is that okay?

or do i know what i want,
but secretly can't say?

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