| Current mood: |  crappy |
those long winter ngiht
time seems to slip away on these long nights. Isolated in the depths of my room. The insomnia driving me to the drink of madness. I know nothing about everything. At night I tend to feel safe but like the rest of the world alone and suspicous of the shadows. I am sick and tired of people complaning to me of the woas and troubles, I don't rant one about mine, I don't waste their time surching for an once of reasured comfort. Some nights I wish I could floats away, I don't know to where but to some place where people want to get inside my head, where I am forced to share. God I sound like a emo loser. I need sleep. I am thinking too much. Sounding like a girl. I need a drink. I think I shall go and float away to a dream paradise now, only t awaken tomorrow more sad and miserable because I felt happiness for a fleeting moment.
but before I go, I do wonder why people are so lonely in the winter. Why people always fuck in the spring. Why people stay in miserable relationships, just to avoid being alone. Vanessa tells me I can't complain about being alone because my dating life hasn't begun yet. I tell her thats bullshit. In my head I scream, What the fuck does she know about being alone. These people who say and think such things have always had boyfriends or girlfriends or fuck buddies so they cannot relate. You learn to detach your self, to not invest your emotions in people, to stop complaining about being alone. You don't nessairly learn to be independent but you learn not to be codependent. You learn how to survive. To deal with the pain and the cold every moment of everyday. Sometimes you don't learn, sometimes you jump. But most suicide victims aren't virgins, they are winners-silent winners. So I guess what vanessa said has some validity to it, I guess people who never know love or lust don't have the right to complain because they are damned fools. they are romantics. they are losers.
How do you break out of a slump like that. HOW?!? You fucking assholes can't imagine what its like to know you are going to have to graduate high school a dateless virgin. That was alwyas my biggest fear, to be a 18 year old virgin. Ever since 7th grade that has been the biggest fear of mine. I guess you also stay single so long because of a certan mentality. All I know is I hate life and life hates me. Its not fair that I have so be alone. I would kill myself but then I would have to die a virgin and that is one of the worst fate imaginable. I am 17. I have never had a boyfriend. My life is falling apart. I am trying to stop it but I can't. And everyone I know is to buissy dealing with their melodrama of the day to notice. No one calls me-correction no one use to call me. SO I gave up on going out. Vanessa called last weekend. I spent my birthday alone. And now I have been ranting for too long. Time to go to bed. And dream of a crappier tomorrow. Thank god I got a different journal for my insane posts the lj reader couldn't take another one.
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