| Current mood: |  contemplative |
| Current music: | Evanescence - Missing |
...Though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone.
Where do people go when they die?
I'm still not sure what I believe... I grew up in a really strange environment. I was raised for a long while by my Grandmother, who wasn't religious or spiritual at all, but she was the housekeeper in a Catholic Presbytery (where priests live). We couldn't really have friends over to play while I was growing up, because she (and therefore we) lived in as staff, so my friends growing up were the priests she worked for and the nuns from the local convent. It wasn't as sinister as it sounds... apparently I lucked out on the priest stakes and won all of the good ones. Heh.
Anyways, even after she died one night and I found her, it never occured to me to think about where she would go spiritually.. although, I did want to know about coroners and autopsies, and for a while even wanted to be a coroner.
Cut to an older me, at highschool and being very atheistic. I was invited along to church by a girl in my year who was Christian and I didn't really like her, so I thought that I'd go and just debunk everything that was said there to annoy her, oh yes, I was a charming teenager. I went along and listened to a sermon about how I had sinned (which I couldn't disagree with) and about how I was loved so much that Jesus took the punishment for that sin. It was like being hit between the eyes by a hammer, I felt so guilty and ashamed, but so worthwhile and loved at the same time. I actually really miss feeling the way that I did when I was a Christian. This one visit to church led to about 11 years of devotion, and a very firm belief that I and others who were saved through Christ's death would go to heaven... people who weren't saved would go to hell because they chose a life without God, so God would also give them a death without Him.
Cut to me, about 7 years ago and being very angry at God. I had been walking to Central Station from St Vinnies, where I was working at the time, and was pulled into the laneway next to the tattoo place there with the big fish painted on the side. This led me to decide that God could go and fuck Himself. I think that I'm still angry, but it's become a comfortable anger and not the big raging thing that it was... it is still anger, just the same. I still believe that there is a Divine force.. I believe that the Christian God is an aspect of that, but I choose not to follow that God. I also believe that there are other faces of the Divine that others follow as well. What this all means to where we go after death? I have no idea.
Cut to me, now and working where I help people die. I'm a palliative care nurse. The people I care for are in the last stage of their life, and the are going through a process that will end in their death. Most of my patients only have hours or days left, some have weeks. I don't do community work, so I don't really get to spend months with these people while they come to terms with their illnesses. I see the end result of whether they have come to terms with it or not. I don't know where these people go. I do know that the ones who have a faith (whether it is religious or otherwise) do die differently. I've seen only one person in the 7 years that I've been doing this, who I am certain has gone to hell because the look on her face when she died tells me that she saw something horrific. Everyone else has looked peaceful, and most have looked better once they've died. You could see that it was a relief. I've nursed people through easy deaths, where they have drifted off.. and through torturous deaths, where nothing we could do gave them any relief from their pain.
Personally, I don't concern myself with where I will go after I die. I just want someone to be there and hold my hand. In 7 years I have only had one patient on my shifts die without someone having been with them. I think that the process these people go through is vital in preparing their soul for that next step, but I haven't the foggiest what that next step is.
I'm just glad that I am privledged enough to be allowed to help them die, and I'm thankful that they let me share with them one of the most important moments in their life.
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