uggghhhh
chris IMs my cell phone saying "hey just so u know, i never want to see u again, or hear your voice, or see ur text messages, ever again. thanks for the journal post." agh.. he acts like an asshole to me, and he acts so cocky about being the one to dump me. he acts like he can talk down to me just because he dumped me. and like god i just want him to just be nice to me and have some fucking respect for me. he said when we were together that i meant a lot to him and that hed alwasy love me in the back of his mind but.. that was a LIE. yup.. surprisingly im not crying. but i went to sams at like 4 and i just walked home.. and i just cried half the time.. and i had these crazy thoughts. like.. i want to take a whole fucking bottle of advil.. or like.. get hit by a car.. or something stupid like that.. but i dont want to die. i just want something to happen where people will care about me... its like no one cares about me.. no one but sam at least. my two closest friends were chris and sam. and now chris hates me. i feel like i missing a third of myself... thats why i care about losing him so much. i was always with him. now who am i going to be with? i wish he thought this way. he just doesnt understand.. i really thought i was more special than that to him.. i was looking through my calender on my cell phone and i came across April 29, 2004.. and chris had put in there "1 year. if not then know i did love you".. and i dunno. now i wonder if he really did. id like to this he did.. but him saying thats hed always love me in the back of his mind was a lie.. and me being special to him was a lie.. and like.. i said "wasnt losing your virginity to me special?" and he says "sorta". SORTA? i mean jesus. id like to think he didnt just do it because he was horny, because that wasnt what he told me.
i feel like im going to do something stupid
and i feel like shit anyways
-emilie
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