an excerpt from a private post for the rest of the meandering crowd:
concluding this rant with a decent question: how do i feel about ryan now? how does he feel about me? have i loved him, and do i, or will i ever again? because right now is a feeling of such inpartiality. perhaps one day....... it feels like this time, was the last time i will ever love anyone again. not because of intense pain, because i have NONE of that, absolutely none, but because of intense indifference and uncaring. such inpartialness that scares me, makes me think that all my fairy tales have been watered down until they are tasteless, inexistant, and left bone dry. will another ever come along? for some reason, i think not. perhaps it's a sort of lost hope that's disguised AS hope in itself, but really is nothing but a reminder that fairy tales and love are nothing more than delusions of granduer. it's no longer love i feel toward anyone, it's a kind of narcissism... a narcissistic point of view where i see who is useful and why... not blinded by love anymore.
it's said that you have to live for something. but no one ever lives for themselves - those that do, are narcissists.
i must be narcissistic, because i feel like i have no one to live for anymore, other than myself. i loved him more than i loved myself. is a healthy relationship really a healthy relationship, or just a meatless, dry, existance of a relationship that makes you healthy only because you are putting yourself into politically correct terms of today's psychology where everyone is wanted to live for themselves? and if you live for yourself, what kind of an existance is that, since you do not live for love?
this is strange to me, and a strange new concept, which i may never like, but always be accustomed to.
comments welcome, as always.
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