|Current music:||Send me a Angel - Deadstar Assembly|
I really just want to die
I dunno whats going on..... I'm just sick of everything and everyone in my life, besides those few people who i know love me and that I love. Im tired of being hurt, I'm tired of hurting others. Everytime I sit down to rant and rave I end up talking about how much I miss rob....... then underneat that its how much i hate my dad, and yet under that is the hidden damage of what my mother has done to me, which seems like years and years ago. They say life gets better? I say when. Yeah, I may get what i want when i get it but i dont fucking ask for much. damned if i do damned if o dont. MY GOD NONE OF THIS MAKES SINCE AND IM NOT FUCKING EXPLAINING IT!!!!!!!!! wow that was a lot of bullshit.. Maybe I should have said that to my father instead of a goddamn computer screen that really hasnt sloved any of my fucking problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love rob so much yet he doenst even understand or care or its just some great huge game or my lies ruined it....God i dont know about my dad i mean sometimes he can be great and all and we get along but its just he doesnt understand me or can controll me or can even level with me nad talk on the same page emotionally besides a teacher/student relationship. I know he is there but i just have shut myself off to his love or i dont feel it or something. maybe my giveashitter is broken.... I could give a shit less about my mother. She fucking just doesnt give a shit about me and hasnt for a long fucking time now. I really dont care if she lives or dies. She traded me in for some fucking Steve Urcle looking black man who is sneakier than a goddamn rat and turned my mother into some horrid person that i dont even recognize anymore as my mother.... just a breathing walking talking impersonation of her.... god its sad to go over there,close my eyes and think of me being about 7 when she was cool and when i had a mother..... she isnt my mother anymore . my mother is dead. he killed her.... WHY DOES EVERYONE I GIVE MY HEART TO IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER LEAVE ME?!?! What did I do wrong? why did everyone leave? they are here but i feel tottaly alone.....