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ashley (poptartspaz) wrote,
@ 2003-07-06 01:23:00
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    this journal just gives me a place to ramble, say my real thoughts with out my best friends seeing them. [except ashley strong] I wan't to scream and kick on the floor, I want to throw my self in to a wall. really, i just want to smile. but ive forgotten how. the smile that i wear everyday, is like wearing a mask. i dont remember when the last time i was truely happy was. all i know is that it wasn't recently. people have made so many points with me, when im drunk.. im happy..but me being drunk..is just being someone im not. its like wearing another mask. I have this wall built around me, I don't let people know I'm hurt, well they know but they never know why, im like this mystery to everyone and all i do anymore is scare people. im so full of angst and hurt, that i dont even know how to be happy. i just wish that i wasn't used. i know i am, and i understand it. i wish that for once a guy would look through me and see who i really am, and that i can be an amazing person. i just wish someone saw that, i dont even care who. i wish i didnt have so many trust issues, that i could learn to trust the ones that i call my 'friends' . but i cant, and i wont. dont call me your friend if your not able to live up to the deffinition of friend. It hurts when im lied to, it hurts when people look at me all they think is bitch, or spaz. if people only knew how much i cared. if i could control the angerness, i would. but its just like i cant help but snap and spaz. its just who i am. all i want to do is curl up and cry, but i cant even cry anymore, its like ive become to strong for my own tears. i just want a guy to sweep me off of my feet, hold me and tell me everything will be allright, i just want to cuddle and be held and loved. i want to be in love again. it was amazing. but im never going to find it. im never going to find a guy, im never going to smile, im never going to suceed, im never going be truely happy..

    some one save me from this madness.



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