Tears for her
I don't think i've ever shed tears for her until now, 6 months later. In watching a movie that was filmed in NY, where she is, it made me think of her. I started thinking of buying one of those dogs that she loves and taking it for a walk in central park and bumping into her. I could find out when she is going there and arrange it all. Why do these plans always feel one sided? Something in me believes she feels the same way, like we used to. there's no way she can feel different. We could feel each other inside. But if that's the case, why is she avoiding me so much? My mind keeps telling me I HAVE to drop her. And I do want to do that. That is my intention. Then these thoughts force their way into my mind of ways of gettting her back. I just want to know where they come from. Who is putting those thoughts in my head. It's not what I choose. It has to be something bigger than me. It's like I'm thinking one way and that's it, and then these thoughts get injected into me from without. It really feels like someone else has the number to my heart strings. I am emotionally unavailable to anyone else as long as this keeps happening. It's not fair. How am I supposed to move on? and give my all to someone else when she's still on my mind? I so desperately want her off my mind. All I can feel is moving to NY, being with her is the right thing to do. I love NYC. But, I can foresee the fates forcing us together. She wants to stay in NY for summer, but she doesn't know if it's going to happen yet. I would tend to say that we're supposed to meet if she comes back home to CA. It's like someone else is orchestrating all this to get us together, like we belong. damn, what is the name of that kind of dog she likes?
i love her.
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