copy and paste of an email i wrote
So you know how i told you that Brett and I made out that one time and we decided that we wouldn't do anything after wards cuz we got carried away and what not. Well. Saturday afternoon I had to tell him something so I left a message on his phone and I didn't even tall himt o call me back. But he called me anyway and thanked me for the message around 10:30ish that night. So He asked me what I was doing and I told him I was at home just watching a movie by myself. So hes like ok well I'm coming over in 5 minutes I want to show you something. I figured ok. We're friends This is fine. I can totally handle this. I was totaly like fine ya know. I didn't htink anything of it. So he got there and he wanted me to see his car cuz he went off roading with his dads car and got it comepletely coverd in mud. Like the car wasn't green anymore it was all like a half inch cover in mud. So we stood around just talking about stuff hten decided to go to Dunkin' Donuts cuz it was only like 11 and we were both bored nad not doing anything. So we get there and just chill and talk for about 45 minutes about random stuff. It was completely fine. So it slike midnight and hes like ok lets get outta here. So i said sure why not. So at this point i was kinda feeling him again and I didn't really know what tp think because I KNEW Brett wasn't feeling the same way cuz he specifically told me last week that he didn't want to get into anything anymore. So We went back to his house cuz he wanted to check up on his brother cuz he was home alone and his parents werent home for the weekend. So WIll comes upstairs and Sees me and hes like "What wer YOU guys doingggg. ;)" Brett and I were like nothing we were at d'nd. So WIll looks at me and he was like "whats going on????" and i'm like uhh i dunno. shrug. haha. So Brett and I leave the house again with no plans on what to do so we sit his his dads car talking again and decide hey. Lets go out to white oak park and look at stars. Of COUSE. this was a bad decision from the start. I kept telling him hey if you don't want to go do this we don't have to. But we were both under the intentsion on nothing happening so We got bunch of blankets from his house and went to a random baseball field and layed in the feezing cold and looked up at stars. I saw 5 shooting starts. It was so beautiful outside that night. It was crazy. So Somehow Brett and I ended up snuggling. And then he just got closer and closer and then he kissed me. HE STARTED THE KISSIN'. He leaned over looked and bam... So I kissed back. Like eve since he like held my hand and started cuddling with me i wanted to go back to kissing him. But i knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. AND he never stopped. We were pretty much kssing for an house and then decided it was too cold to be outside so we went back to his house were is wa mad warm and we ended up kissing a whole lot again. so I was under the impresion that hey, he hasnt stopped yet and this is hte second time something must be happening and he prolly wants this too. I kinda wanted to get back togehter with him. At the time i really just wanted him back and I wanted to be with him. So Then of course it got intense again and I still kept thinking dude he dosent want this and I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what was going on and I started to really go crazy inside and I really started to cry and so he felt really bad so he finally stopped kissing me .We were in his bedroom and so he got up and tol dme hed let me have a minute to just chill so he went into the other room. SO i took a minute to breathe and think about what the fuck just happen for the past 4 hours. So I went into the other room where he was laying on the couch thining too. So I sat down and he sat up and put his arm around me and one of the first things he said was "We're you expecting a relationship out of this?" at the time he said it, I didn't realize what a shitty thing he had just said. I didn't know what I was thinking. So I told him... I don't know..I had no idea what I had just done, if I really wanted that. So There was a lot of silence. We were both just in a mode where we didn't really know what we just did. So then he asks me. "what are you thinking? wanna know what i'm thinking? I wanna know what's the deal with you and jon. Where do you guys sit?" I knew that was gonna be brought up at somepoint too. So i thought for a minute and say well. he likes me i like him. we both hang out a lot. and thats about all at this point" So that just set him off. and basically the whole times he was solid again about starting anthing with me cuz of jon and because he just didnt want to be with me. I was sad because when i was with brett, I wanted to be with him. I mean i went the whole night kissing him adn i didnt fuckin stop i wanted to be with him obviously. and he fuckin knew it. So basically the talking didnt get anywhere. I told him how i didn't know what to do and i was so confused cuz everything was so fucked up and i didn't know where jona dn i stood now and where me and him[brett] stood. then he wa slike well I think we can just say now that were over. and i was like ok. and i didnt really say anything after that. So like 5 minutes went by and hes like i just want you to be happy and i dont feel like us is a good thing to happen right now. then he asked me afain what i was thinking and i said i wanted to go home. So i got up and he followed and then drove me home. Its like 4:30 at this point and I get to my drive way and someone is awake in my house and turns out it was my dad. I saw him in the window and so i like was freakin out. so Brett parked the car and looked at me and i wa slike shit. bye. and i got out and left and didnt look back and that was the end. I went in the house and went up to my room. i didnt really get in trouble cuz my dad didnt even know i was out so he wasnt waiting he just thought it was wayyy to late for me to be out. I just went upstairs. I was so fucking lost at that point. I didn't know what to do. So i didnt really wanna think too much about it so i went to bed and woke up on sunday and i felt like shit. Brett hurt me like hell and it didn't hit me until the next day. So Tom kopin and i were supposed to hang out that day anyway to he calls me up and as always he asked me how i was and he knew something was wrong and he totally cared and was really concerned. I didn't know who to talk to about what happen with brett and i. I didnt want to tell anyone at first because i wasnt ready to hear peoples reactions cuz i knw theyre were all gonna be negative towards brett and/or towards me. Tom didn't know about the ffirst time brett and i did stuff. So i just told him about all that. He listend to everyhting i had to say and it made me feel so much better to just talk. He was the only one i talked to about it for a few days. I was so hurt and depressed over it. I had never been rejected in that way and never treated that way. so much shit went down that weekend. I felt like dying at one point because brett just had NO FUCKING UNDERSTANDING to why i was upset. He didnt understand why i was sad or why i was hurt. He told me i was hurting myself for being sad and he told me to just move on basically. It kills me that he can be so fucking happy and I'm at the fucking bottom. He makes me so mad. So after a few days of being depressed about it, I got really pissed off about it. And after that I started thinking about Jon again. I hadn't talked to him all week because he just didnt have his computer. but then i started to miss jon. My friend tol dme to just remember how happy i was when i was out with them and with jon. It felt great realizing how happy i was with my friends. seriously i am so happy with you guys and my friends from workk. I can ask for better people around me. and I can't believe I was this close to throwing everything away with Jon. I made the mistake of being with brett during the weekend but i almost made the bigger mistake of throwing everything away with Jon . Tom told me i shouoldn't be scared to just not be with aanyone. and i believe that. I not scared to be with no one right now. sometimes i would rather just be alone for now. but somtimes i just want to be with jon. but jons just being real slow an di have to deal with it i guess.itl be worth it if it ever happends and i really hope it does happen. so yeah my life is really confusing as you can see
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