|Current mood:|| contemplative|
|Current music:||Nightwish - Seven Days To the Wolves|
My god that was hard...
That was seriously the most gut wrenching thing of all time...
Tonight night I saw Clare for the first time since we split up... and when we walked out the door (bad timing, really) she was there and I needed to get past and... as we passed I thought "shit think fast... quick hug say good night... get pass to the car." It was as if I didn't exist all night... and when we embraced (my god I missed her) I may as well have been a complete stranger.
Needless to say... the experience devastated me. My only goal has been has to put on the brave face, keep busy not think about it.... tonight it all got too much and I just lost it. I was completely exposed... all I can say it was like watching the Titanic hit the ice berg and watching the water pour in... only in my case it was out.
I am usually emotionless... in that I don't reveal them, when it comes to my emotions they are generally very level pegged and don't fluctuate a great deal,happy or sad... they are not terribly different, I dont have ever have those extremes. This thing with Clare... is a whole different ball game, maybe cos there is too much of my... heart and soul invested so that when it comes to Clare... I dont know its as if I I am being gutted
My emotions are my own, its private and my own business... other people can share them, but me... "I'm a man.. I don't cry!" I am supposed to be "the warm light that the life of this world crowed around"... I am not supposed to be someone else's burden... people should not have to comfort me... I am supposed to be stronger and beyond all that.
Tonight... fuck I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life, all I can say is thank god Julie went out... I needed to be very much on my own and allowed to cry with out worrying if someone heard or saw me... (its prolly too late now... I think nearly everyone in our group has seen me break down now to some extent now, and Sarah, Regan, Mike and Ryan caught the worst of it just tonight... (Ryan was so uncomfortable.... so sorry man!)).
When will it just get easy...?
What should do now... I cant sleep, should I watch a movie or crank up the music a little more while the house is empty and listen to more Nightwish or something? Or do I just do both? I'm prolly not going to sleep anyways...? Which is the same as having an extra 4 to 8 hours each day?... more free time, is really not what I was looking for right now? Maybe a few weeks ago that would have been awesome, now.... not so much. Free time = thinking = ... a head fuck.
Clare if by chance you read this... I will eventually grow up and deal with it. I still love and will always love you, and I so much want to stay good friends with you if nothing else... please know that I dont hate you and if this is what you need to do to be happy, I understand and I will respect this... I just am just using this blurty to process it all, as I dont seem to be equipped to deal with this sort of thing any other way. *huggles*
Night, all...? :|