thingskeepchanging
i had a good night tonight. went to the echo base collective for a bbq. but when i realized it was on the roof of the building and i had two walk up the ladder i was scared. one of the reasons was my insane fear of heights. but i had another, equally scary feeling. by being so afraid of heights, i wouldnt be able to go to the bathroom afterwards. i had three hamburgers and a hot dog! how dare me. i had been working so hard and then i have a night like that. alcohol i dont count in my calorie counting fervor because i'm young etc etc. but food. oh terrible. my fear was that my heights hinderance would not allow me to go down the stairs to go to the bathroom so i could throw up the hamburgers after.
you know and it's weird. this whole thing started so easy. if i ate so much food by accident that i got a tummy ache, i'd throw up a bit of it to feel better. then i started throwing up most of it. then i started throwing up after regular meals. then i'd start eating with the intention to throw up right after. and now, if i cant get to a bathroom after eating a meal i feel trapped and its all i think about. i see now how the feeling of control over one's intake suddenly controls the person as it becomes a bit of an obsession. it's funny. the whole time i've known whats been going on but i'm an intelligent person. i didn't think this would be a problem. and it's not yet. i'm writing this so perhaps i can reason with myself. it's not so easy now to just stop. even after a regular sized meal, i feel very nauseous and the only way to feel "okay" again is to throw some of it up. i dont go all ape shit until i get all stomach acid, but i try to get the solid food out. LOL and it's also impeded on my um. intimate life. as i have made my gag reflex more sensitive, it's harder for me to do one of my faaavorite 'intimate' things. i think you know what i'm talking about, strange blog reader. it's very embarassing. i had been drinking a bit heavily one night and ran into a huge crush i had from high school. i went back to his place and one thing led to another etc etc and i was in the middle of 'you know what' when i had to stop. i asked where the bathroom was as politely as possible. then i had a huuuge spew session. i came back and passed out immediately. the next morning i asked politely if he remembers if i had thrown up. he was like uh, yeah. pretty hardcore. i retorted 'how do you know?! you werent in the bathroom with me!" but he laughs and says he could hear it. that was terrible. ive had a lot of stress from school. i hope to stop once finals are over.
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