|Current mood:|| rejected|
|Current music:||explosions in the sky|
New years kinda sucked but kinda didnt. Me, Caroline and Seth went to the PDAP lock-in thing. It was really boring and slow during meetings which seemed to happen way too much. I did have fun dancing, most of the time i was trying to cheer up aaron but that seemed impossible. At 2:00 a.m i had this weird urge to call my mom, like i missed her. Thats pretty sad. It seems the older i get the more dependent i am toward her. Its going to be hard moving out in 2 years. I met a few new people and that was cool, but most of them were kinda obnoxious. I do need more tolerance when it comes to people. I've come to the conclusion that i really am kinda a loner, most def. not a people person. I wish i could change that fact about myself because it does sound like im some arrogant, self-centered bitch, but i promise im not. Ok well anyways so i didnt sleep at all last night until about 8:30 a.m when i got home. Then i slept until about 6. I'm still really tired and i cant shake this whole mood that is consuming me for a LONG fucking time. Its like i just feel so useless and melancholy, jealous but not really of a certain person. I'm getting really pissed off at the world almost. Its like i want to be able to drink when i want, and i want to be on my own and go to college and have a job. I just want to grow up so fast, but then again im scared shitless of getting old. Last night emily asked me if it was normal to be afarid of dying. I know i think about it all the time, who knows if its normal. I used to think my mom wanted to die by the way she would refer to it so sweetly. Like it would be a relief to face the inevidable as soon as possible. But the other day she said something really odd. She said, " i dont think theres one person who really wants to die." And it was just this alarm in my head sounding, as if saying, god i dont want to die. Why is there so much expected from humans if we all are going to see the same fate. Why does everything seem like a test. Every emotion that you feel seems as if its just god testing you to see how you will react to a situation. Sometimes i invision god as this guy in a lab coat, using us as his variables in some mad experiment. The word i find myself wondering is, why? Why all this? Why so much lonliness. Ive had nights where ive thought i would never see the light of the sun again, and i didnt care if i died. This is so depressing. Why do i feel so much all the time? I talk to certain people everyday that act like if someone cut their arm off they wouldnt feel it. And then others only care about themselves completely. People just make me so confused. Maybe im just really tired.
These past 3 years have been my worst. Lets hope this one will be better. hope...theres always hope.