|Current music:||Martina Mcbride-How Far|
My first entry
ah the wonderful life of being a mom, this is the only reason I am up at this time! Man do I miss the days I used to spend saturdays sleeping till noon because I stayed out all night party'n....ok well the only part of my life then that I miss now is the actually getting peaeful sleep, the drinking and drugs are no longer part of my life and thats something I am OK with, they weren't taking me anywhere anyways, I have better and more important things to look forward to in life. Although some days I just want to throw in the towel and say i'm done because I cant handle the stress. Dont get me wrong I love Kaleb he is my life and I would never do anything to harm myself for the simple fact that I know I need to be here for my son. But man when it comes to my relationship with Brad it seems like I am stressin all the time, why cant he want what I want? I dont understand, it's been a year and 1/2 and he still 'doesnt know how he feels' I mean come on he knows but he is afraid to open up to me for some reason like he doesnt trust me with his feelings but yet I pour out my heart to him and trust him fully with what I tell him, why cant it be the same for him to me??? There are so many things I just dont understand about him. Last night we had a fight that turned into another one of our talks about feelings and commitment which by the way happens at least once a week. He is always so wishy washy and I never know what is going to happen I just dont see why he thinks if we are together I am going to need more time with him then we already spend which by the way is most of our free time. HELLO! He knows how I feel and thats what sucks, I wish I could take back all the things i've told him sometimes because he doesnt deserve to have my heart and he does...but like I told him last night I feel like he wears my heart under his feet and just walks all over it most of the time. He knows that I am not dating anyone else nor have I...granted I have talked to a guy we'll call him Bob, I really thought I want diggin this guy and when I talked to him he really made me take my mind off of thinkin about the way things will work out with Brad so I was excited and I told Brad straight up that I was going to go on a date with this guy and of course he was ok you do what you feel like you need to do so I did, we didnt even go anywhere he came to my house really late one night and we watched the sunrise together and ate breakfast it was amazing and I was totally into Bob and you know me I had to tell Brad about it, and I even told him we kissed! Man was he jealous, then all the sudden that night when he came over he wanted to talk about us and our relationship so I was like ok and we talked and he actually decided that he wanted to be together and I was like ok but is it going to be different this time? So I just totally blow Bob off because I am finally getting what I wanted, and then 2 months later we end up at his house having this conversation about feelings yet again and I asked him why he couldnt tell me he loved me and he said 'because I dont' and that did it, I decided right then that I was in a meaningless relationship that was obviously going nowhere, so I broke it off and I think he was shocked because I have always wanted us to be together but he never cam commit and when he finally does I break it off, it was so hard and I cried for a few days but I just tld myself that I had to be strong and thats how I got through it. I cant help the way I feel, I love Brad more then any man in the world (besides God) and he just cant seem to see what he is missing out on. I am so afraid that if I move on he is going to want me and so stupid me just keeps waiting around because I want us to be a family so bda, he is a great father to kaleb and Kaleb loves his daddy very much but I just hope that maybe someday we will be the family I always dream about...until next time.....