Create Journals
Update Journals

Find Users

Create New

Latest News
How to Use



bizz (pesce) wrote,
@ 2003-06-19 17:05:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Add to Topic Directory  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry

    Current mood: content

    in some ways, i've just got it together. and i have for awhile. ('so that's what i believe in. in short, it's not god.') and in others, i'm still not sure. shape-shifting, ever-morphing puddle of a girl.

    so... maybe i'll bare my soul. maybe not.

    i'd lost myself somewhere, not too long ago. and i'm not sure i've found me yet. mostly, i'm here -- i know that much. at the same time though, i can remember who i was and what i was, and i know that this right here, this isn't it. i remember a night that passed with the quickness and the power lightning. the forest fire of my life. i remember pounding doors. and picking up -- because i always pick up. i remember a bang, and the most horrible scream. (and on weekends i wake up panicked to kids laughing and yelling under my window because it brings me back so quickly.) i remember dialing i remember dropping a glass and watching it shatter. slow motion. helpless. and i remember will, always there, always so perfect. i cleaned the kitchen. my refuge, my method of fixing things. i remember everything falling apart, and the one night where he said that i wasn't the only one hurting. and fuck, was i sick of having to defend my lack of anger, of everyone waiting for me to breakdown.

    how do i function. like a leave falling from a tree. like autumn and spring. and i want to laugh and cry. i want to roll around in a pile of leaves. i want tomorrow to be saturday and i want blueberry pancakes for breakfast. i want to go shopping with my friends and i want allergens to stay very far away. i want to smile more and to swear less. i want to be a little more in control, just a little. i want to make s'more s'mores and new friends. i want to make a painting with a cello and i want to paint my toenails. i want to enjoy the summer rather than perpetually waiting for the end, the impending doom and adventure that will be this fall. i want to sign yearbooks and enjoy my messy field hockey hair. i want everyone to love my adorable hair instead of telling me that it neeeds to be longer. i want love. i want the necklace from liquid sunshine with the three coins on it that i have fantasized about for a year or two now. i want other people to be okay. and i want to write a book.

    i have small hands that make pretty pictures. they've always worked well enough for me. even with a little dirt under the nails. even with the dirt

(Read comments)

Post a comment in response:

Username:  Password: 
No HTML allowed in subject

No Image

 Don't auto-format:
Enter the security code below.

Notice! This user has turned on the option that logs your IP address when posting.

Allowed HTML: <a> <abbr> <acronym> <address> <area> <b> <bdo> <big> <blockquote> <br> <caption> <center> <cite> <code> <col> <colgroup> <dd> <dd> <del> <dfn> <div> <dl> <dt> <dt> <em> <font> <h1> <h2> <h3> <h4> <h5> <h6> <hr> <i> <img> <ins> <kbd> <li> <li> <map> <marquee> <ol> <p> <pre> <q> <s> <samp> <small> <span> <strike> <strong> <sub> <sup> <table> <tbody> <td> <tfoot> <th> <thead> <tr> <tt> <u> <ul> <var> <xmp>
© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.