|Current mood:|| blah|
I want to dance between the raindrops in a downpour
Ugh I'm so fat... I hate myself. I tried to go as long as I could without eating. I took 6 diet pills, then went to the track with Babs and did three miles or so, plus bleachers... Then I went to therapy. I had an anxiety attack while I was there. It wasn't too fun. I spent the majority of the time just trying to breathe and calm myself down. I was shaking so much, I thought I was going to pass out. But the anxiety passed like it always does... We talked a little bit about my body image. But that's it. I didn't go into detail. I honestly didn't want to get into it.
Anyway, I came home and I began by eating a couple animal crackers... they're fat free so I thought... okay a few is harmless. Then, I lost control as always... choco chip cookies, bagel bites, and more animal crackers... ugh. I threw it up... but I still feel disgustingly fat.
I really want to try and stop purging because that's what I'm most worried about. I'm scared of the damage that I've done to my body... I'm not as worried with the fasting thing.. but it's the purging that's really getting to me. I know that I've done damage to me heart... i can feel it. I hate this... I really do. I wish I had the will power to just not eat.
Well, I'm starting now... shooting for another 24 hours. We'll see.
wish me luck
Goodnight for now