|Current mood:|| pessimistic|
|Current music:||Cradle of Filth - Nemesis.|
Ill finally open up inside.
ello ello my blurty that I have not written in quite sometime now. I was too washed up in that whole myspace.com trend. But i am sick of that bullshit. so i decided to cancel my account. And it amazes me how its such a big deal, when people come up to you in school "Omg you canceled out of myspace?" as if its the greatest thing in the world. When really it is just dissembled insecure assholes, who are looking for compliments from people cause they suffer from low self esteem and gathering up as many friends as they can so they can make themselves better and sucking people dry.. Unfortunetely, yes I just described myself. But i learned that it didnt work. I felt like i was hiding away from the world behind a computer screen. and it came to the point where it was an addiction. It was kind of sad how I felt accepted and loved through a computer, and how I had everyone fooled. . Meanwhile in reality, I am nothing but a shadow. That was myspace.com. a bunch of icons of self indulgence, changing your identity, constant lies, and beautiful pics to hide the pain inside. I met people through that joke of a site, and none of them worked out. it was always disappointment on both ends. People on there are looking for: Perfection and someone to hook up with, or to just get a esteem boost...but...yet..it all seems transparent and fake. Thats why for some reason, I kinda respect the hate mail that I received. It knocked some sense into me. and realized this was all a utopian illusion. and i got caught up in it.
Reason why I say this...is because lately...if you care enough...i never felt so alone in my life and so casted aside and looked over. Its almost of if, my spirit or soul, or whatever u want to call it...died from overwhelming meloncholy that was toppled over by deceit, and hidden by a mask, which made my condition worse. I am like a walking corpse thats being buried alive by jealousy, insecurities and anguish. I know you may say, lifes too short to be depressed...but..to be honest. i have no faith that my life will get better nothing goes right and people take me for granted. and ive been stuck with this...disease for a long time now..it has become a part of my existence. There are things in my life which i am grate ful for..but yet i feel like they are being deteriorated by the minute. and all my hopes, wishes, wants, needs..have been shattered.
I dont like the person looking back at me when I am facing the mirror.
and at times, I just wanna slice my god damn throat...because despite the beauty on the outside, the misery that formulated on the inside, is breaking through my skin...and is taking over the outside. People can look at me, and say..."You look like you live in a dark atmosphere"or "Tina, whats the matter, you look sad" they notice it...and that scares me..i made myself my own worst enemy....
ive been suffering from suicidal thoughts....last night i saw a razor laying around and i just really wanted to cut myself up.
but im too weak to even do that..so i just went to sleep
but unfortunely i ended up waking up the next morning.