Typical Teen (pathetic_life) wrote, @ 2004-04-02 19:44:00

under skinned knees...
so you feeling very unconfident... is that a word... ? prolly not...
friends can be cruel sometimes.. im single and im enjoying myself... and its like everyone wants me to have a b/f and shit and i just dont have the time or the emotion space for one... im like all about myself and friends right now... trying to get them back after marc... and gah its like imjust being happy about myself... waking up and smiling about what i have done.. and its like ive gone through so much and im finally getting over the hump i named last year..
right now its like ive made it pass the point that everytime i hear marcs name i dont cry about it... i wont lie i miss him.. prolly just the feeling of someone always being there... and just there to help me ... but at the sametime i dont miss him because of him telling ryan elliot about me.. and its not fair because there are things i know... that no one knows that i could say but i dont out of respect for him... i respect him hes a person and everyone deserves it... no matter what wrong... and it just hurts not to have it given back to you..
its like everyday i wake up and say fran ive missed you... and its like i have another person... another me with the jokes, the smiles, the serious talks, and advice... and then its the sarcastic depressed fran... and shes on the back burner right now... and im glad..
i feel like people just keep trying to push me to do what they would do and its not what i want... i dont want eric to talk to any guy that i tell him i think is cool, cute, hot, or yum or whatever... i dont want to be brought down by disappointment... i dont want to be tied to something.. i dont want to be with someone who keeps me from my friends... I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LISTEN TO MUSIC AND READ AND PAINT AND WRITE AND DO ALL THIS STUFF WITHOUT FEELING GUITLY THAT THIS IS SOMEONES TIME.. ITS MY TIME DAMNIT! I DECIDE WHAT AND WHEN AND HOW THINGS GET DONE... im not being a person looking out just for myself... im still being generous and kind and considerate to other people... i just want control of my own thoughts and things that i do... and thats all i dont think at all that thats alot to ask for..
i have tried so hard to help my friends and sometimes it seems like its not enough and i just want to scream out that its all i have... its all i have to give to you.. im trying im not perfect... i just want people to understand that maybe im not like them i dont know every answer i dont know what to do in every condition i dont know what to say i dont know anything... but i still try more than i can say for some people..
i dont like being pressured to do something o threatened to say something... because i dont like pressuring people i dont like pushing... i dont like it.. i dont play that game either... i dont... its wrong people have the right to an opinion and a choice and i cant stop them from amking it..
so yea thats my vent for now... ill prolly be back later..

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