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p_freak (p_freak) wrote,
@ 2009-01-04 05:18:00
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    Happy? New Year
    It's been a long time since I've written anything in my hardcopy diaries, in my electronic diaries or in this blog. I think I will start writing again.

    It's been such a whirlwind year. 2008 flew by without me really stopping to take notice. There were so many things I was impatient about. I wanted to get to my one year anniversary with my boyfriend, which was in August. I couldn't wait to get there. Now its been months since I've last felt we were in an actual relationship. I don't see him more than once a month, even tho I talk to him every day. I dont honestly know what to do. Actually I think to understand my plight, I should at least explain the whole story.

    I suffer from obsessive compulsive behaviour. The germ obsessed typed. Anyway needless to say I was suffering from it severly enough four years ago that I had to quit school for a year. I skipped going to my second year of University. I left all my friends behind and I went to the Philippines to take a break, get my head right. One of those friends, is my now current boyfriend. He'd been asking me out since we were in High School. I admit I did like him back then, but was too chicken to engage in the teenage dating scene. I said no. On NYE 2007 he tells me he's still not over me, despite my three year absence from his world, only showing up once or twice a year. Anyway I was living in Toronto at that time, and was only home for a quick visit, but we decided to give each other one date. That date was supposed to prove that we were sooo wrong for each other and would never work out. We were counting on the date to be a complete disaster. It wasnt. The date went fine. It was great. The food sucked (never will I go to another supposed greek restaurant, that is only a disguised chain, fast food place). I left for Toronto anyway. I did however come back to my hometown that summer because I finally decided that I was sane enough to attend University again. Hoorah! He asked me out on my birthday, actually he demanded that we give a relationship a shot. (He wouldn't give me a chance to say no this time, since I'd been saying no for about 8 years. I said yes. I was actually really excited to give it a shot. I knew that I really liked him, and I had liked him a lot for a really long time. There were never a lacking of sparks between us. Anyway here we are and now we've been dating for a year and a half. I'm feeling the lack of sparks. I don't know what to do. I don't know how if it's over quite yet. After all the years, after all the friendship, all the things we've gone through... He has been so supportive of my illness. He loves me so much he wants to marry me despite the crazy. I honestly don't know what to do.

    In addition to these thoughts, I've been feeling even more lonely than usual. I just feel really alone. So many people in the world and I just feel so empty anyway.

    What a way to start the year.


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