|Current mood:||milk and cookies|
i've been reading
"night falls fast" ...understanding suicide, by kay redfield jamison.
"i hate you, don't leave me" ...understanding the borderline personality, by jerold j kreisman and hal straus.
there comes a time, when you just plain give up. you don't want to die, but you just wish there was a way to stay alive, carefree. you give up control. you bow to your circumstances, your past, and your impending uncertain future. you give up because trying strains your insides to the point of chest pains and intestinal cramping. you regret the things you've done and said, you have almost lost hope for peace, you are not sure of your identity any longer, you trust no one, and you cling to the scraps of what is left of a love that is sometimes absent and ficticious. you are scared, not alone but more isolated than ever, depressed in secret from your freinds, coworkers and family, making strides to protect them all from knowing how horrible you really are. you are hopeless, you wish on stars, you pray constantly, you talk to god like a friend, because all your old ones are non existant now, and "you always have a friend in jesus." you cancel plans for self-improvement, your hygene suffers, your eating habits are erratic, your weight has fallen, and is far from constant, your taste for nothing but temporary comforting kisses and nightmare free sleep consumes your free time. you made your bed, and you are inevitably lying in it. you run from reality, you cringe at the truth. all there is, is sorrow for what you have done, the situation you have created, the windows of opportunity you let slam shut. all there is, are stories of classmates that are married and teaching at your gradeschool, and you a college dropout crying while reading books about suicide and borderline personality disorder. you are such a dissapointment to yourself, and something must be done. your passions and interests are burried in worries. you can trust no one, not even yourself.