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.d.i.e.d (organicspirals) wrote,
@ 2007-05-12 00:18:00
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    "Are you going to live your life standing in the back looking around?"
    The above lyrics are from a Jimmy Eat World song....I had a crying spell over this one day when driving to work when it came on the radio.

    My answer to the lyric is yes. It's what I've done up to this point. Well, I sort of felt forced into it. Then I withdrew starting in high school because I couldn't deal with anything and because I felt powerless or felt it wasn't worth effort when it came to my peers. And I think I was right in thinking it wasn't worth it however I still missed out on valuable socialization. I knew I was doing this too, very consciously too. But I had overwhelming life circumstances, emotionally. Aren't I just making up excuses for myself now? Indulging in self-pity? I'm destructive that way. I can't stand people who indulge in their self-pity.

    Do you know what it's like to be shy? To've been told that when you're shy you miss out? And to've been told there are plenty of people my age who are not innocent and that I'm innocent, very dough-eyed. Do you know how much impact these words have had on me? It's been playing through my head every single day for the last 7 months and it plays constantly in my head. Is this a form of self-consciousness?

    Do you know how much it hurts? So much that I decide to do nothing about it. I've formed a nickname based off of my apathy. It's Adathy or Lady Adathy. Adathy is silent, doesn't talk to anyone and is in the sea with her piano like Ada from the book The Piano. Adathy is also mute like The Sphinx or Lady Sphinx or Sphinx Faerie (this last one is a more playful version).

    Hell, I'm pretty and smart. What have I got to worry about? Guys are attracted to me...but that's not an accomplishment (more words being put into my mouth).

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