|Current mood:|| contemplative|
A weird rant
I've been thinking about this for awhile, but since I had occasion to think about it again tonight I figured I'd just get out some of my frustration here.
I like to go out for walks, but everytime set foot out the door I always have to wonder, will this be a peaceful walk, or not. For you see, some men have this annoying habit of making comments to you as you pass by, hitting on you from their cars, from their bikes, or worse, just walking past you. Some of the will just hollar things like "Hey shorty"; others will look your body up and down like they want to own it. And it makes me ill. I try my best not to notice it, to walk on as if these men are invisible, but it isn't easy to ignore something that makes you more than a little uncomfortable.
I'm not used to this kind of thing; I'm used to blending in with the landscape. Of course it has happened before, I think it has happened to most every girl, especially if you live in a bigger city, at some point, but over the past months I have seen it with increasing frequency. For you see, my appearence has changed over the past year. I've slimmed quite a bit and gotten contacts, and suddenly it seems I am on the rader for these guys. The first couple of times it was somewhat flattering, I hate to admit it, but it is true. I liked that I was looking better and to know that it wasn't some illusion my eyes had created. But now, it just makes me feel so tired.
I'm single right now, but somewhat looking, and I'm not looking for much really. Just a nice guy, sweet, smart, that can make me smile, who will respect me, care for me, and maybe even love me. Doesn't seem like much to me, but I haven't found it yet. Okay, that's fine, these things happen when they are meant to, I understand that. But it gets frustrating to live out this pattern of being hit on because someone likes my ass or my face or my whatever, but that's all. Makes me start to think out crazy, stupid thoughts like, is my personality defective...am I ever going to find someone who gives a damn about that part of me, the important part of me. I know I'm not a bad person, heck I can even be sorta interesting sometimes, but, I don't know, sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter. I'm not the most outgoing person in the world, like a good deal of people I can be a little shy; it is who I am. But it's like no one wants to know that, you know?
I'm not sure if this makes sense. It just seems I've got more than enough of the kind of attention I really don't want...when do I get to stumble across some of that positive attention?
Bleh, I dunno...I think I better just go to bed!