|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||Sublime- April 29, 1992(Miami)|
There are tears behind these baby blues…
So it is finally time to come out with a new entry that just spills the beans on what has been going on in my life. First off and most recent I am cruzing down hope road last night right in front of the fort and what happens? My accelerator gets stuck. Literally the cable that the gas pedal pulls when u press it down is stuck out. The engine is stuck wide open and it won’t stop. I am up to about 60 when (after a frantic search for what’s going on) I throw it in neutral so it won’t go any faster, the engine revs out and I slam on the breaks and stop in the right lane of a very busy road. So I wait there for the cops to come. I am with Amanda and conor, two of doms friends and dom. The cop comes and offers to take them back to my house cause it is cold and I will wait there for the tow truck. Well Dom hops in the car and goes with them. So I am left to wait there sitting all by myself at 10 at night on the side of hope road waiting for a tow truck to come. that’s not even the worst part, I get into my house after paying the tow truck guy and my mom starts going at me about how she had told me to get a tune up and what if this happened when I was half way to Virginia tech. Thanx for making me feel better. So to end this story, it looks like I may need a new car which I absolutely do not have the money for.
So I have been really depressed lately and I think it has a lot to do with a couple of things. First bring myself and my weight. I have always had issues with the way that I look and the weight that I am. This may be because I, despite trying extremely hard) have never really been able to maintain a weight. I work out just about every day at school and it still doesn’t help. that’s prolly cause I am smoking way too much. Speaking of which my friend got caught( they had a cop standing outside his door for like a whole day and they had a search warrant and went in and searched his room) which makes me realize that I really don’t want to touch it anymore. So I am quitting. Hopefully this will bring about a good change for my weight and I can get it under control. I dunno we will see.
Quitting is just another thing that adds to my stress level. It used to be something I could do to kinda get away from it all but I don’t have that anymore, which is bad for the short term but nothing but good for the long run.
So lets see, we have gone through, my truck, my weight, and smoking, o yes, now lets see about grades. I fucking hate myself for not doing better this semester. I came out with a 2.2 which makes me feel awful cause I know I am capable of so much better. I tried to do the same shit I did in high school and it didn’t get me anywhere. I need to step it up next semester and me and Eric are going on a straight eating, studying, and lifting schedule. Hopefully that will solve two of my problems. And last my problem with dom.
Ok so me and dom have been going out for about two years. I say about because we took a break but we just celebrated our two year anniversary on Dec. 16th. (this is definitely the hardest thing to write about and probably the thing that has been causing me the most stress). I don’t know what is going to happen between the two of us. We have had our share of problems in the past but always worked through them. This year is different. She seemed to be hiding what she was feeling and I could tell. Finally it happened the night before I had three finals. God what an awesome night it was, I was studying all day and I was going to study some into the night and then try and get some sleep, but o no sleep wasn’t in the forecast for that night. Dom called me around ten, “I was talking to kaitlin earlier and I realized something, but I don’t want to talk about it now, we can talk about it later” now anyone who knows me knows I can read people pretty well (and if u r sitting there saying I didn’t know he could read people, then you really don’t know me that well and maybe you should try and get to know me better) and I knew that this wasn’t something that could wait, so I jumped right into it. I am going to spare u guys the details but it wasn’t a good convo. We almost broke up. And the summation of it was that she doesn’t know what kind of feelings she actually has for me and kinda the same thing as last year. Ok imagine being in love with someone, you give them ur everything and then they break up with you and break your heart cause they want to try something different. that’s what happened last year with us. We wind up seeing more of each other and then we eventually get back together. Then dec. 13th she tells you almost the same thing, that she doesn’t know how she really feels about you and that if something better were to come along, and she got to know that something over the course of time that she would be with that someone else instead of you. WTF!!! Who actually has the balls to tell someone that, and how do u think that makes the other person feel. Broken heart again? I think so. Why do I put up with it? Why am I still here typing about her? I don’t know. I still love her. And when I look into her eyes I see someone very confused and I do see love. I don’t see comfort, I don’t see routine, I see that she loves me. Still I cannot allow myself to be put through this, I need her to sort things out and then maybe she can be with me. I am too good of a person to be put through this shit. But u know what I do, I stay with her, for at least the time that I am home. I don’t know what else to do. I cannot picture a day passing without seeing her. I think I am crying on the inside, there are tears behind these baby blues. You know what I find a little funny though, or at least how I know she is confused, she calls me after being with Amanda and conor and tells me how much she loves me and how she cannot wait to see me. Then she calls me after she talks to Kaitlin and tells me she doesn’t know how she really feels and how she just wants me to decide what she should do. To me that’s a sign that she is confused in her head but after talking to people, depending on who the person is, she feels different ways.
Well for now I am sticking around. Whether to have my heart broken again in the future, or whether to find out this is the person who I am meant to be with. I guess only time will tell.
All I know for sure is that the stress adds up. The stress of a relationship, of my truck, of my school, my cash flow, and my health. Its a lot to deal with and it was so much ezier to put it behind me and not think about it, but my friends the time has come and something needs to be done about each one of these. I need to make a plan and follow it cause without one I feel like I will be lost and I will let this life get the better of me. For now I have to go get under my truck and see what actually is going on, and try not to think about what’s going on with me and “my girlfriend” right now.
P.S. I am not even going to get into my parents and how much stress that add to my life. I think pops is going to come up here on Christmas morning, otherwise this would have been the first X-mas with out him. I am glad I get to see him on Christmas.