| Current mood: |  depressed |
it's been awhile
a month to be exact. it's been a really interesting and depressing month. it's happening all over again, and i do mean all over again. and as my parents kinda get lost along the way, i'm always wondering what the hell is wrong with me. like, mostly i'm okay, but when i see movies with kids in it, or family, or just cute babies in strollers... i wanna move to the moon cuz i dunno what i did to be this way?
why is it that when you think you want something the most, it seems like it's the least possible thing to happen to you?
i feel like an adult trapped in a small sick kid's body, too young to do anything about it, but yet old enough to care and worry about the consequences. and i know it sounds so ungrateful, but i hate it when people tell me they know how i feel. the truth it, i haven't met anyone who does in the literal sense of the word. i'm 19 and balding and sick and my body thinks it's 50. i feel like i'll never have kids, never grow up to be anything that i've wanted to be and no one can possibly understand that cuz most people i know don't even want kids. i see people who've had abortions or people who have their kids and leave them there for others to look after and i can't understand why i take it all so personally. i've tried to forget it but i find myself becoming and waterspout at movies not because they're sad, but because they've got such cute kids that i'll never have. unless i have a miracle.
i don't mind the hot flushes and the weight gain (well not that much anyways) or the pain or anything, but if they'd be able to tell me for sure that it doesn't affect me. but they can't and they won't and i'll not know until it's too late. and if that's what being me feels like....
i don't wanna know the rest
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