Salutations dear readers. I must make apologies for being tardy with my response. Its been unfortunately sunny these days, which reduces my time to compose considerably. This Easter Day featured the usual events: Every year, the towns people put on a lovely play to symbolically reenact my arrival, and sub sequential slaughtering of the incumbent barbarian tyrants. (Really, the play is just a lucky fellow with a sledge hammer and a lot of chickens with the word 'Barbarian' painted on them. A highly inaccurate depiction of my actions: I've never even owned a sledge hammer. )
But, any way, I have a task. Let me attend to your questions. First, we have. First, we have Eric, who asks “What happened to the ax-wielding sidekick?” Well, Percy was not, as you suggest, “overwhelmed by the children.” However, there is a story considerable interest behind his unfortunate expiration. Allow me to relate it.
One day, late in the Spring (I believe it was year The Year One-Hundred and Thirty-Four, After Clerics' Return) whilst I was in my throne room responding to mail, torturing criminals, and attending to other important matters of state, I was interrupted by a rather uncouth and rather dead fellow. Now, I've nothing against the dead walking around, in as much as I am one of them, but I certainly don't appreciate it when they barge into my throne room unannounced, kill the people I was supposed to torture, and deliver rambling tirades to the effect that I am a “disgrace to the living dead every where”. I appreciate it even less when they they then forcibly eject me from my castle, shrink it and all of its contents one thousand fold, and encase it in a piece of amber- which, as it happens, is exactly what this one did.
Well, needless to say, as I was standing outside of a large hole in the ground where my Iverness (my castle) used to be, I was highly upset, and wished to stab the transgressor repeatedly, feed him his own thumbs, and hang him with a noose made from his own entrails. There were two problems with this plan, however: Firstly, this nasty fellow (I think his name was Garlish, or Garlisk or something like that-- lets call him Gar), was apparently powerful enough to make my castle itty-bitty and encase it in a rock, making it seem rather ill advised to go in after him (I've seen the amber trick before; there is always a little pin hole. Stick your finger in it a bit, you shrink down, and find your self inside) with out a plan. Secondly, Gar appeared to be the sort of undead who's entrails had rotted away a long time ago-- making them unsuited for hanging.
So, what does one do when it would be reckless to charge in on one's own? Why, one finds some one more foolish then one's self and convinces them to charge in. Then, you try to figure out what happened based on the condition of the returned bodies. Having realized his, I headed down into the city (that is, my city, Easterville), and to the Blue Flagon Inn.
“Charles,” I said to the Inn Keeper, “Nice to see you again. How's the wife?”
“Mister Easter!” he greeted me “What a surprise to see you here. My wife's very well, especially since you ate cur who was bothering her.”
“Well, that is my job, Charles. Any way, I'm going to need a room for the night, well more like the day actually. Also, I'm going to need an adventurer. You don't happen to know if that Eylan Eisterrian fellow is available do you?”
“Hmm... Well, you did steal that magical staff from him last year remember? Then he showed up to get it back-- buggered up your golems good. I don't think he'd be likely to come to if you asked for him.”
“Oh, do you think he'd still be angry with me over that? Well, who else is good these days?”
“Hmm... Remember that druidess you had as a guest three years ago? She's been making quite a name for herself lately. Maybe you should try her?”
“Celcia Oninchi? She does have that lovely blood drinking sword I gave her. I'll send her post immediately. Thank your for your time, you've been most helpful.”
“Oh, I'm always glad to help you Easter. You're a blessing to this city.
Well, to summarize, Miss Onichi and her companions soon arrived, and her and her companions (A young Elric Ygim among them) along with no small amount of assistance from yours truly, managed to route out this Gar-what's-it fellow. None of them even died-- it was highly impressive.
Now then, you may be wondering, what does this have to do with the demise of my axe-wielding vassal, Percy Teatherspoon? Well, once we'd defeated that noxious fellow, Onichi's party emerged along with Percy (who had been shrunk with the rest of the castle). We quickly set about trying to figure out how to unshrink the castle, when it suddenly did so of its own accord-- and very rapidly. We had to move rather rapidly to avoid being crushed by the expanding castle. Every one except Percy managed to dodge into a window or door way. As for him, well, parts of him are probably still inside one of the walls somewhere. If I ever find out where, perhaps I'll have him resurrected. Perhaps I should set the children looking for him next year in lieu of eggs.
Now then, on to the second question. Summer (sounds delicious) asks “What are the names of the other 11 vampires?”, to which my response is: There are eleven other vampires around here? I don't think the local ecosystem can support that. If you find their names, please do tell me, so that I may deal with them appropriately.
For the final question... Hmm, Summer again. Who is this Summer person?... What do you mean you won't give me her address? Ah, very well. Any way, Summer asks “Also, how did Mr. Easter get such a fine, sexy voice? Is is the blood?” Well, no, its not the blood. If you must know, I stole it from Mister Destoko. I don't think he's ever forgiven me. But that is a tale for another time-- its almost dawn, and I must rest.
Farewell for now, dear readers. We'll have to do this again sometime.
Yours Truly,
Mister Easter
