Delia (novembershivers) wrote, @ 2012-02-27 15:47:00

I've forgotten what he looks like.
Except, his eyes.
I remember his arms and hands, too.
But, I barely remember having sex.
Which, for me, was one of our closest activities.
It just felt natural.
It felt comfortable.
It wasn't awkward, at all.
Eventhough, we were strangers; it didn't matter.

Talking to Ash today, I wondered where this was going, really.
I mean, once again, here I am caught not-exactly in a relationship.
Why am I so afraid of committing to someone?
Is it because of Phillip?
Is it because of me?
Robert?
Is it because I never want to settle?
Is it because I'm afraid of divorce?
Probably the ladder two.

I find myself getting attached to this one.
And, that's the most uncomfortable part.
Last night, he was purposefully quiet.
I had nothing to say.
Is that because I see how ridiculous this situation is?
How I shouldn't get caught up in something so unattainable.
Or maybe it's that this is possible.

Maybe I'm unsure about him.
I mean, I definitely am.
But, I'm intrigued that we are still talking.
I'm intrigued that he still wants me to call him.
I think it's just because I listen to him.
But now, like not telling that story last night, I'm ending the book.
I'm refusing this becuase it's so irrational.

And I suppose I have to consider the last time I considered an irrational relationship.
I got my feelings really hurt.
My heart was broken, and honestly, it probably still is a little bit.
My heart still flutters when I see the Ginger.
It's stupid.
But, it's there.

It all just makes me nervous.
I must consider also that my heart still flutters when the new infatuation calls me also.

But what does that even mean?
Anything?
Probably just that I'm not completely in control of the situation at hand.
There are volatile forces at work here.
Kel agrees that I am highly sensitive to such intuition.

I tried to buy a plane ticket, for pete's sake.
For what?
To see some stranger?
He's trying to get one here, too, I suppose.
But, now it's looking like we won't see each other for a while.
Does he really have his eye on me like he once teased?

Or is he bored (as he always is) and I'm the only one who will really listen?
Maybe it's so comfortable because it's just comfort.

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