PARDON THE CAPS, I AM AT WORK AND I AM DOING THIS WHILST DOING DATA ENTRY. I HAVE REACHED A DEAD END. AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I FEEL LIKE. SATURDAY I GOT A LETTER FROM RUTGERS THAT BROKE IT TO ME GENTLY - MY APPLICATION HAS BEEN REJECTED. IT WAS STRANGE. EVEN THOUGH I KNEW SOMEWHERE IN MY MIND THAT I HAD A 2% CHANCE OF GETTING IN, IT WAS STILL A SHOCK TO MY SYSTEM. I STOOD STARING AT IT FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES BEFORE I EVEN TOLD ANYONE OR EVEN MOVED. I WAS REPLAYING THE LAST 6 MONTHS IN MY HEAD - CHANGING MY MIND ABOUT MY MAJOR, STUDYING, WRITING, BEGGING PROFESSORS FOR LETTERS, LOSING IT, ETC. ETC. ETC. AND IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING. MAYBE NOT, I STILL HAVE YET TO RECEIVE THIS LETTER FROM UNIVERSITY OF CONNECTICUT...BUT EVEN IF I DID GET IN, WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT, I WOULD HAVE TO MOVE TO CONNECTICUT. AWAY FROM EVERYONE I KNOW. ALONE. AND LET'S SAY I DON'T GET IN, WHICH I KNOW I WON'T ANYWAY. THAT MEANS EVEN IF I AM ACCEPTED NEXT TIME AROUND, I WOULDN'T BE STARTING SCHOOL AGAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER 2006. THAT'S A YEAR AND A HALF FROM NOW. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF UNTIL THEN???? IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT AND AT LEAST PRETEND TO HAVE MY OWN LIFE. I WILL BE STUCK IN MY BASEMENT FOREVER. I WILL NEVER GO TO GRAD SCHOOL. I WILL BE FORCED TO CALL 800 NUMBERS AND HANG UP ON PEOPLE UNTIL I KEEL OVER AND DIE. I WISH I COULD JUST PICK SOMETHING EASY AND DO IT. WHY DO I HAVE TO GET A PH.D? WHY CAN'T I JUST BECOME A GARBAGE MAN, OR A SHOE SALESMAN, OR A VIDEO STORE CLERK? OR EVEN GET A JOB THAT YOU NEEDED TO GO TO COLLEGE FOR LIKE HUMAN RESOURCES OR SOME SHITTY JOB AT A MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC? NOOO, NOT RACHEL. SHE'S TOO "MOTIVATED" FOR THAT. SHE'S TOO "DRIVEN." SHE'S A FRIGGING IDIOT IS WHAT SHE IS.
I NEED TO ESCAPE. I AM STUCK. I'VE BEEN HOME 8 MONTHS. I HAVE READ BOOKS, WATCHED MOVIES, HUNG OUT, PLAYED MUSIC, HAD 2 DIFFERENT JOBS, I EVEN WENT TO EUROPE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. IT'S NOT ENOUGH. I DON'T THINK IT WILL EVER BE ENOUGH. I NEED TO BE CHALLENGED. I NEED SOMETHING.
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