| Current mood: |  contemplative |
| Current music: | chopin - fantaisie impromptu |
the full moon is in full swing. it seems like things are happening to every person i know. today i was offered a job, if only for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of data entry is enough for me, thanks. after that who knows what i'll be doing. i also left my house for the first time in eons, it feels like. me and lauran met up with brad, luke, and the other rachel in philly for some coffee talk. i'm actually going out two whole days in a row too - tomorrow i am venturing to new brunswick to consort with my old roommates. the last time i was there lots of alcohol and drugs were consumed. not so much by me, but just being around a bunch of people on painkillers makes you feel like you're on them too. so that should be interesting.
it kind of scares me, how easily they will swallow pills. at first it's just one of the little blue ones, then it's 2 or 3, then it's a yellow one, and so on and so on. i don't do drugs. and honestly it bothers me to be around people who are on them. i'm not talking getting stoned or once in a while dropping acid though. i'm talking making a pile of random pills on a table and taking them in random combinations. i have a good reason for feeling this way, i suppose. my father was addicted to prescription drugs - uppers and downers - up until i was about 13. my whole childhood was spent visiting him in rehab, even though as a 6 year old i had no idea what that meant. i remember the dare officer in my 3rd grade class being so amazed that an 8 year old could explain what valium was, and what amphetamines were. looking back on it, i understand now why my dad acted the way he did. when he was on speed for months at a time, he would never sleep. he would sit at the kitchen table all night long, reading the newspaper and drinking tea. then when he was on valium or percocets, he would lock himself in his office, never coming out. for days at a time. i used to go in there and just sit on the carpet and try to talk to him, but at the time he wasn't much of a conversationalist. there were times he'd be so sped up that he'd take us to visit every one of his relatives in one day. or sometimes he'd decide we were going on a vacation - right now. other times he'd be in his room for weeks, reading stephen king novels and not talking to anyone. there were even a few times he had taken so many pills that he had seizures in his office, while his patients were in the waiting room, no idea what was going on in the back. and then there was the time he was so fucked up he thought i was his dead uncle, and thought we were skiing in the alps. i was 12. it's funny - i knew something was wrong in all of this, but i wasn't scared. not scared enough, i guess. maybe if i would have been more scared i wouldn't have been around him so much - wouldn't have had to watch him go through all of that. i did it anyway. because he was my dad, and i was his little buddy, and i didn't understand what a drug addict was. he hadn't always been like that. when i was about 2 he started doing more and more drugs, and although i can't remember anything from those first 2 years, they definitely left some kind of impact on me. they must have. that's what freud was all about, right? do i have abandonment issues? something like that...it was a pretty fucked up way of growing up. not the worst by far, but certainly not the best.
so that's why i don't do drugs. that's why when i hear the word coke i leave. i don't do drugs for a very good reason. it ruined my dad's life, it ruined a good portion of my mom's life too. i would never say it ruined my life either, but from all those shitty things he did, it definitely changed our entire relationship. i don't what my life would be like if i had a good relationship with him. i guess i don't really think about it because there isn't really a point. can't change the past. but i can stay the hell away from drugs. just in case i somehow decide that's the right way to deal with things.
i don't mean for this to sound like an afterschool special. i guess i just felt like talking about it.
oh well. pip pip and tally ho.
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