| Current mood: |  contemplative |
| Current music: | bright eyes - fevers and mirrors |
baby it's cold outside
i finally got to see all my old new brunswick roommates this week. it was very strange being back with all of them - they are all together, everything is exactly the same...except i'm not there. it felt awesome to be around everyone because i know they love me and reunions are always the best, but it was also sad because i knew that my life has become boring and predictable and their lives haven't. as long as i can remember, winter has always been really fucking rough for me. i almost become someone i'm not. i become sad and antisocial and i read too many philosophy books and watch too many foreign films. but the last two years that didn't really happen to me. there was a dip in my mood, but it was nothing substantial. nothing that stress and no sunlight couldn't explain. i think the reason why it didn't happen the last 2 years was because i was living in this crazy house with 7 crazy chicks who really love me. there is something so comforting in that.
i'm not really the type to constantly want attention. i don't need flattery. i don't need someone to kiss my ass all the time. but i do need to feel needed. and a lot of the time at home i do not feel needed at all. it explains why most of my best friends are out of their minds most of the time - i'm good at dealing with them. but when i'm home, no one really needs me for anything. while it is a relief not to have to constantly worry about someone, or have someone basically following you around asking you for advice, i have to admit that i miss it. my friends at home need me in a different way. they need me to be a part of the gang. i have my role i fill and everything, and we all love each other and whatnot. but if i didn't show up no one would really care all that much. it was different at school. if i didn't come home when i was supposed to, chaos would ensue.
so now i have found myself in that good old familiar winter funk. but it's okay. i kind of like it. i get off on being sad. it helps that i still have a completely nonexistant love life and i have a shitty job where i get yelled at by losers who are obsessed with NFL cards all day long. i also have no money, i am convinced i am never getting into grad school, and i haven't gone to the gym in 2 months. right now i'm just trying to work on my writing sample for grad school applications (which, is anyone cares, is on the evolution of the soul as identity in religion. enthralling!) finish my xmas shopping, and clean my fucking room, which has not been accomplished in about 3 months. i'm also going on another read a novel every week kick, and this week's selection is nabokov's lolita. perverted and disturbing but still good nonetheless.
on a happier note, i got to meet famed author nick hornby wednesday night! you may remember his writing such classics as high fidelity and about a boy. he shook my hand, i told him he had great taste in music, he signed my book...it was really amazing. he read a bunch of pieces he had written about music and shows and things of that nature, and then a band (marah) would play whatever song he had been talking about. highlight: marah playing clash's lost in the supermarket. lowlight: being stuck standing behind the fucking dork who i recognized as the guy that writes a dating column in the courier post. he was trying so hard to kinda bop around and look very suave, but he looked like he had a bad case of jock itch or something. ugh. but yeah, meeting nick hornby - it made my month!
p.s. this isn't one of the ones he read the other night, but here is an essay about a ryan adams song that is very nice...
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/song/hornby.html
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