|broken smile-starless sky-end it all-say goodbye. (nirvana4) wrote,|
@ 2004-01-30 10:26:00
|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||pearl jam - black|
haven't written in a long time..update..
****if anyone has livejournal and wants to read mine, my user name is my_starless_sky. comment and i'll add you. i write in there almost everyday.****
i haven't updated in such a long time because i didn't need this journal anymore. for the most part my depression was gone and would only come back ocassionaly. on my birthday week in january all i did was smile, and on my 16th birthday (jan. 9th) my ex best friend called me and we talked for a long time about things. i had joey my best friend in the whole fucking world who i tell everything to over for a while, even though we hardly did anything it was the most fun i had in a long time. i don't think there was a point that day or night where i didn't have a smile on my face.
then it happend. wednesday night i fucked up big time. everything hit rock bottom for the first time in a long time.
i lost my best friend because i was trying to help him. i didn't want him to feel like shit everyday because of me, it wasn't being fair to him. i NEVER want ANYONE to feel like shit because of me, except for me. that's just wrong. and i love him so much that that's what i felt i had to do. i had to let go. lately things have been skecthy between me and him anyways. but he took it the wrong way and now he hates me. ok he doesn't "hate me" but he's "just really really really tired of being hurt."
DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT'S WHY I DID THIS??! DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND THAT HE HAS HURT ME SO MANY TIMES AND HE HASN'T KNOWN ABOUT IT?? he doesn't understand the fact that i love him so much i wanted him to be happy without me dragging him through my shit all the time.
i cut last night for the first time since september 30th. i hit rock bottom. there was NOTHING to fall back on. it was my last resort.
he doesn't understand. no one does.
i am pointless, i am desolate.