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firefly (nikkibee) wrote,
@ 2003-05-18 09:39:00
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    alone
    If there was one word I could use to describe me all year I probably wouldn't be able to find it. My relationship with words has been one that's destroyed and forever unpolished.

    Journaling has always been my safe haven. I'm sure there are other people to agree with me. There's some kind of barrier it provides me - some kind of release.

    The worst thing to hear is that people have read your journal. And doubted your exsistence.

    I do NOT want to be sick. I DO NOT want these diseases. But the pain I go through every minute of every day is so much of what I am. So when you doubt it, you doubt me. And I don't mean this is a complex way, it's quite simple.

    I hold back from a lot in this journal because a) although I trust Michael with everything I am, I don't let him know everything.. as he'd probably say the same. b) So much of what I experience cannot be put into words c) I don't remember a lot of my childhood, and I have a problem remembering things at all.

    And of course there are more reasons, but mostly, because it's so hard to put into words. I am a writer, but more days than no days have I wished I was not. Words and the use of them can make you insane.

    So fuck public journaling forever.

    This journal is FRIENDS ONLY.


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