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firefly (nikkibee) wrote,
@ 2003-04-25 13:48:00
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    I know what has happened this past week, the events, the talks, the laughs, the cries.. although I can't really tell what happened on which day, when.

    "So today at therapy, we talked about how incredible Nicole **** is, and then we analyzed Samantha a little bit. Then we talked a little about death, and then we talked about how incredible Nicole **** is"

    "You're afraid of yourself. It's hard not to be able to see that."

    "When you tell me the stuff that people have done to you, like the sexual harassment by Brian.. it makes me angry. But it doesn't make me sick to my stomach, which is a good thing, because that means I'm not obsessed with you."

    "Stop being so damn cute. Just for one second, please!!??"

    "I like spending time with you so much. I don't know if that's a good thing."
    -------
    ...those are just some things that I remember. He tells me I was what he needed the other night. When a few days before he says that I am just the 'fun' addition. So when he tells me I'm what he needed, I got pissed and told him not to tell me that because it's not true. So he corrected himself and said, well, you fill me up. I haven't been this happy in... ever.

    yea, me neither

    lie

    This is the first time, since the whole depression/eating disorder/ blah blah change.. that I have had such an important social environment and it effecting me. It started with the play and my new group of friends. Then i started going out again.. then I started wanting to go out again. Then I met JJ and he opened my eyes to boys again and showed me that the feeling felt during a kiss when you care about someone can make you calm. (During the time I was with him, I went 2 days without purging and no carbs. that's a good sign). But with Chris my eating habits are changed, but for the worse I guess. Last night we went to Applebees and I played with my food the whole time but still ate it. We were with Gwen and I think she has an ED too, I really think so. She has to be bulemic - she has to be. Anyway, I ate like, 2 quesadillas and like, 2 nachos and 2 mozzarella sticks. (Purged all when I got home). That's the most I've ever eaten in front of him or Montag.

    So anyway, during the time I was with JJ, I started getting close with Sam. Then it was Mike, then Mike M, and so on and so on.

    During the time I'm not with them, I am the same person I was before. Am I? Am I?

    Fuck.. fuck fuck.. am I creating another shell?

    fuck..

    shit.

    I realize this now. I am not changed for the better, just changing my shell. When i wasn't spending time with people, I didn't really need one. Am I making a new one? Oh no.

    what the fuck. I don't care.

    Fuck you, I like smiling.

    And then it makes me hate myself SO bad when I go home and eat and eat and eat and puke and puke and puke and stare at my scars wishing I could cut them back open because I HATE ME and I HATE EXISTING. But I CANT because I CANT. BECAUSE THEN ID LOSE CHRIS BECAUSE HE COULDNT BE LIKE SOMEONE SO MUCH LIKE HIS SISTER AND THEN I'D LOSE MY FACADE AGAIN AND BE ALONE AGAIN AND WHAT THE FUCK THERE IS NO WAY TO WIN.

    My mom called two Ts today. Yea, I'm going T shopping.

    Objective: Find a reason why one should want to be happy.

    Subconcios objective: Make every word they tell me turn around to the truth There is no point in anything, fuck it

    I psycoanalyzed a million people this vacation and three new people told me I should be a psycologist. Yea? fuck you, I have no future. There is only the past, which is full of bad decisions, and there is now, which is THE bad decision of NOW.

    blah blah blah

    I think I should starve my cat.

    thinsperation

    ^ I hate that word.

    I hate the words ana and mia too.

    and pro-ana

    make is glamorous, eh? Make a fucking drop of blood glamorous and build up a chain of web sites about it. fuck alll the bibles of anorexia and bulemia.. Wasted.. fuck you marya hornbacher. No wait - not marya.

    I have been talking a lot to Chris, who is my untitled psycoanalyzer, and he links everything back to my dad's abuse and the three 'cases' of sexual harassment.

    who cares.


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