my shadows the only one who walks beside me
Sitting here... trying to play a contest with myself... how long i can go with out sleep... *hmm*
Why is it when i'm alone... that's when the tears come most often... My consciousness is pushing me down on the ground again and the only way to get up is to hold onto something. Anything. Why can't I find my something? Sometimes, I sit and think how my parents fucked my life by their crank habits back in the day and how all I ever wanted was them to stop screaming at each other, to stop fighting, when I was sitting up in my room trying not to take something sharp to my wrists. Or, sometimes I think about how some of my closest friends have screwed me over. How Vicki, who use to be one of my prime rulers as a friend, fucked me over by continously screwing me off for her new-found boyfriend, Scott, and how ever since I moved, she seems to have changed from the very few miles between us. Or, sometimes I think of how guys have fucked me over this past school year, so far. David and his leading me on. Jared and his rumors about our date. Scooter and about how we both care for each other but all he wants to do is get laid by as many girls as he can since he broke up with Heather (his girl of 5 or so years). Of how I've gotten close to Dusty and Eric. How Kyle lead me on and turned his back away and shunned me. Sometimes, I think of how I promised never to turn out like my parents. I would never drink, smoke ciggarettes, smoke pot, anything. Over the past year I've gotten hooked on Marlboros and weed and I've been drinking for quite awhile now. I'm missing the days before I'd sit on my bed with Dusty, Dezzie, and Scooter and smoke a couple of bowls for fun or before I'd get sloshed with my cousins and Heather. Before I'd run around town and share ciggs with Scooter and bum extra ones off Jenny with the lies that I didn't have any (hell, Scooter always has some and he always shares with me) and that I'd pay her back (never have and probably never will). The tears are consuming me again... I'm trying my best to think of the good things lately... seeing Dezzie for the first time in months, the way Scooter looks at me, starting to raise my grades back up to where they use to be back in the day, finally admitting to my mom of my depression and getting put on meds (even though they are obviously not helping)
l8er dayz,
casey elizabeth
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