|Current mood:|| lazy|
|Current music:||Nothing- at work|
Day is almost over
As I said before, here is where it starts.
You know, I kind of like that no one in the world ever reads this. Maybe it's too boring. No pictures, blah format. I don't really care; it feels good.
So I'm at work, day is almost over. Gonna go home, go to the store (maybe), eat a tiny bit of dinner (gotta stay under 1000 calories!), watch ANTM, and hit the sack. Boy has practise until 9:30 or so.
I came so close to p/ today. Ate my whole sandwich at lunch and then felt SO sick. And pissed at myself for being a glutton. It's like, I can think those things, and at the same time I think, man you're CRAZY for feeling like that. And then I feel bad that I'll never eat a real full meal again. And that my love makes me all this food and tries SO hard to make me better.
That brings me to another thing. I want to write to a songwriter I respect and see what they do about writing songs while with people. As in, writing songs about exes, about depression, about all that stuff, knowing that their partner is going to read it. S says that he won't think about it in a bad way; he wants me to write and not be selfconscious about it or worry about what he's going to say. But he doesn't really mean it. I know he wants to, but he can't. Ever since I wrote that one song about Sam. It's so hard.
Life is pretty damn hard. I wonder when my next breakdown will be. I feel so bad for S.
It's like, there's no doubt that he was made for me and vice versa, and it makes me happy. But I am a burden on him, and I have unresolved issues that I don't really want to resolve. And that's not fair to him. He tries so hard to help, and I don't. I just want to stay with him and be myself. Myself happens to be undeniably self-destructable. But I don't do the drugs anymore, not the drinking, not the bad floozy stuff, so it's just this. I can control myself with eating. Or not eating.
But back to the music. I really don't wanna practise. I just want to be good and tour.