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natlie boh (natalieboh) wrote,
@ 2003-12-08 00:36:00
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    Current mood: infuriated
    Current music:none. im too pissed off

    i want my fucking boots back
    :( so i left my boots outside my friends room tonight and now theyre gone. dammit. fucking 180 dollar docs. the one expensive thing i own. dammit. im too fucking trusting. i swear to god i better get them back. i want to cry. those boots are perfect, in the snow, rain, good weather, under jeans... :( im really bummed about that. i really hope someone ponies up.

    and i think i like harry too much to sleep with him. because, its notsomuch that im gonna attach real emotions to the act, but i will attach a certain sweetness and will allow myself to establish a connection to him. but i dont think, in fact i know, its going nowhere. but dammit. he would be SO good. sooooo good. hes got the right equipment, smooth moves, and stamina from what i can tell... and hes very sweet. i think i may have freaked him out though. dammit! im so frustrated.

    i just want a straight answer, as to whether or not he likes me. im guessing he does, cuz i asked him and he didnt say he didnt. but... is it too much to ask to get a real answer? so i can sleep at night? not that i cant. although when i sleep with him in the bed i dont sleep. cuz he flails around too much. sound familiar? yeah for real.

    i really wanted to cuddle tonight too. and id totally make him glad he came. if you know what i mean. i just feel like this is going to go nowhere but bad. and now that mother nature's cockblock has ceased (or is close to it), the option of sex is there. and im gonna have to decide before we start making out whether or not its gonna be allowed, because once we start im not gonna wanna stop. i just am tired of meaningless sex. is that so wrong? so i want to attach SOME meaning, but not get myself into a real relationship. im sad. now im sad. actually really sad. what the hell am i doing?? im becoming a tricked out ho. this will be 8 people, if we do it. and if we dont, i will want to. and hell probably be pissed off because i as much as told him wed do it one day.

    okay so heres the game plan. next time i see him and we can talk, ill tell him that i told andy we were "carrying about." i dont really wanna call it hooking up, because there is some sort of emotion there, at least on my side. but why, really? hes a SUPER nice guy, true. and seems to generally have a good head on his shoulders. hes wicked cute, very talented, passionate about what he does, and seems to be truly genuine. however, hes a total and major pothead(though he did give me a bud as a gift after the first time we hooked up), AND a taurus, and that could be a major problem. dammit. i wish i didnt buy into astrology. but it makes SO much sense. and ive tried dating the total pothead type before, and it didnt go over well. the first time, i became one as well, and wound up crapping part of my life away. the second time, i tried to get him to stop doing it as much and almost cost us the relationship.

    and the thing is, maybe im a major pothead too. i think i kinda am. like im planning on smoking tonight, to get to sleep. i just have to make sure my suitemates cant smell it. cuz they totally could tell and might call me out. theyre already worried about me being a friggin loose ho, and me never going to class (more on that later), now they can worry about my stoner tendencies.

    so yeah. im meeting with one prof tomorrow to discuss his class and how i never went. im REALLY hoping i can make up that test tomorrow (who cares if i fail it, i dont care anymore), and that i can do some sort of extra credit to make up for the other shit. or, at least, i can conjure up some tears(shouldnt be too hard, after my bottled up emotions tonight) and make him feel sorry enough for me that he'll cut me some MAJOR slack. i'll find out afternoon tomorrow.

    and then at 5 i have to meet with my other prof to discuss my OTHER missed classes for history. hmm. and the two tests i still have never taken. tears might help here too. eww. im gonna smoke the biggest bowl after those meetings. i swear. ill call my boy up and be like, hey babe. come play. and maybe if ms. flow is totally done by then, i could screw away my problems and not just smoke them away. hooray for self-abuse!

    man, what has become of me?

    not even any song lyrics for this one. dammit.



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