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mzJewels (mzjewels) wrote,
@ 2003-03-04 13:17:00
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    Current mood: drained

    Dont know what to do
    I thought I was handling this very well, but as it turns out I wasn't handling it at all... I was just shoveling it off and treating it like a dog had died (not really). Trying not to hurt myself hoping that I would forget about this and move on. I realize I cant do that, I have to face it. Which I have started to now. It is almost like I am scared to face it that is why I havent yet. I cant stop crying and I just feel like crap. I am sooo MAD at everything, I argue just to argue because it makes me feel good to get things out. But as I am doing this I am hurting my relationship with my boyfriend. We are crubbling just like Jordan's life did. Slowing but surly. I don't know what to do anymore. I sit here and think about him every night for hours before I go to bed. I stare at his box of ashes and wish I was changing his diaper or feeding him. I picture my room full with his crib and clothes and toys everywhere. Geez I even miss sitting in the hospital next to him for 2 months. I would rather be in the hospital with him than be out here alone without him. I want everything to go back!!!! And what frustrats me the most is that I cant get the picture out of me head when he passed. He looked nothing like the Jordan I gave birth too, he was soo swollen and red. I misss him so very much!!!! I almost wish I could be up there with him among all the other angels.



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