|Current mood:|| bitchy|
|Current music:||code blue - TSOL|
So basically today sucks. I think I cried about 5 to 10 times at least, and i think i’m about to do it again. hmm... since this is MY journal and you all are just a bunch of outsiders reading it, i think i’m gonna write how i feel really straight-forwardly for once, and if it seems mean or stupid to you then… FUCK OFF and don’t read my shit anymore. The whole Brett/Kristina thing really bothers me now, just cause i think brett’s amazing and so do most people who get close to him and i… dont trust kristina for shit pretty much… And since when the hell is it okay to go to your ex-girlfriends house without even telling much less asking your present girlfriend???? the fact that i wasn’t even in the same city really sorta made it worse too. like what the fuck????… okay, yea, i know i’m probably being paranoid and shit but whatever… fuck this. i cried over this! its so fucking stupid!… but whatever. the whole talk-to-each-other-on-the-phone-every-night thing didn’t bother me until today and the fact that he pretty much ignored me while he was talking to her didn’t bother me either, but now it does and its just escalating this horrible feeling of sadness i’ve been having non-stop lately. To me it just seems like i have no one…brett’s getting kristina back, christian has more friends than she knows what to do with, and rudy… well i dunno. those are really the only 3 people i consider myself even remotely close to and i don’t really feel truly connected to any of them. or at least i havent for quite a while. Honestly i don’t trust anyone. the only way i think i will is if i know that someone will be there for me ALWAYS, not just most of the time, but always. And i don’t believe that you can find that in anyone, or at least i havent. A lot of people will say that kind of shit and most of them have good intentions, but when it comes down to it they’re all just a bunch of talk and no real actions. So what the fuck is the point? I dunno. I don’t know why I keep going. I guess its cause brett says he needs me or something. Really he’s the only reason i’m here and still the way I am. But if you look at why he ‘needs’ me you’ll see its cause the kid really doesn’t have anyone else. but what happens when he gets someone else? that’s really why the whole kristina thing bothers me honestly. what happens when an old ‘friend’ comes back and you start talking and its, apparently, like you never even stopped? theres nowhere to go but up right? what happens when candice isnt needed anymore? its gonna happen. a person cant stay fucked up forever right? I’m just worried that i’m an escape… that this whole ‘relationship’ is an escape for the both of us. I don’t need brett, at least i don’t think i do. i need him to stay how i am now, but the only reason i’m doing that is cause he ‘needs’ me. theres no positive change for me. i either stay the same or i turn into a real degenerate. i’m fucked either way. but at least the other way i’ll the freedom of being able to say ‘I don’t give a fuck’ and actually meaning it. I’m really frustrated with this life though. i’m frustrated with brett and i’m frustrated with myself and just everything. Everyone’s so goddamn content and i’m not and NO ONE really cares. so why don’t i do something? cause if i did it’d make all the people who don’t really give a fuck how i feel, sad, or at least uncomfortable… and candice cant make people feel that way, she’s too nice and sweet and loving and cute for all that bad stuff…. too bad i wasn’t being sarcastic when i said that. i’m a lost cause. A fucking self-proclaimed Lost Cause and as of now i’m gonna try not to let it bother me. i’m alone, i’m fucked, and i’m gonna be content somehow.
the question: what happens when i’m not needed?
the answer: i die.
there, its settled. i really will kids. you have my word.
that’s what i wrote in fresno on Saturday. i would write the 2 poem things but i don’t wanna make people sad.