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where me and my cousin were really close.. you know that already though.. however... we had just gotten an 8-ball.. of crank.. that's 3 and a half grams... .. about 250 dollars worth.. 14 quarters.. or 7 of the half grams.. like I told you about.. in the last entry.. we had a spoon the the table.. this is at his house.. there were people all around.. my uncles girlfriend... Jesse another friend of mine.. Chris.. my cousin.. and my uncle.. Roger.. now.. Chris was dump'n into the bag.. and getting ready to put some stuff in the spoon.. he was using a knife... he dump'd in.. 'n I had a card in my hand.. like my insurance card.. and he said to put half of that in the spoon.. I put all of in there and quickly added the 17 units of water I had already drawn up.. his mouth fell open.. Chris said.. what the fuck are you doing.. Jesse said.. I wish I would have thought of that.. Kasey, Rogers girlfriend, just laughed.. so did Roger.. I added a cotton ball to the spoon.. .. Chris's mouth was still open.. I drew it up.. .. I rinsed the spoon and prepped it for chris's arm.. now.. this was a 35 shot.. it was quite a bit.. and this dope.. I helped to make.. it was called.. Shooters Dream Dope.. he didn't want to do that much.. but he lay'd out his arm.. I stuck the needle in... I registered.. .. now to register.. is to pull back on the plunger and register to see if you have blood or not.. to know if your in the vein.. 'cuz you have to do it directly into the blood stream.. if you miss.. it hurts.. like hell... there was blood... I pushed it in.. down down it went.. he coughed.. and sat down on the couch next to me. with a smile.. .. he lay his head on my shoulder.. while I prepped another shot.. for myself.. Jesse laughed... Roger.. quirked a brow.. I shoved Chris off of my shoulder.. he lay.. on the couch.. Chris is Roger's son.. Roger.. laughed.. Kasey.. looked at me.. I looked at Kasey.. I smiled.. I put a big pile in my spoon.. Kasey raised her eyebrows.. I added water.. Roger told me to put some back.. that was too much for me to handle.. Roger said.. he wouldn't even do that much himself.. and this coming from someone who just did a half gram of it.. I mixed it up.. I was still looking at Kasey.. I realized.. at that moment.. Kasey liked me.. .. really liked me.. Roger hated that.. .. but I didn't care.. I added a cotton ball.. Chris was still layed out... he was coughing.. Jesse.. was doing the same thing I was doing... he was mixing a shot.. I looked over at Jesse.. Jesse was looking at me... we'd done this so much.. mixed shots together.. he was thinking it.. and so was I.. we each knew this.. me and Jesse were very close.. he used to have a wegii board.. or however you spell it.. and it once told him.. that Coy Roger Kenny and Ronnie were all getting busted.. but that was before he knew me.. so once he met me.. Kenny.. he.. got close t'me.. and we were inseparable.. Jesse.. I don't talk to anymore.. I drew up the shot.. .. it was a lot.. Roger was shaking his head at me.. as he left the room.. .. nothing unusual.. Casey.. was smiling at me.. .. and she was looking at how much I had.. as I raised the needle into the light.. .. it was a lot.. about a 55 shot... I put some back... .. but I still.. wanted to die.. I had no life.. I had no right.. .. I had nothing.. but a needle.. with crank in it.. and clothes.. .. I was nothing.. I wanted to die.. Jesse told me once.. that he does each shot like it was the last he'd do... me and Jesse went to the kitchen.. because I was the 'doctor' I had to hit everybody.. 'cuz they couldn't do it.. rather.. Jesse could do it himself.. I was just a whole lot better at it.. I sat my needle down.. and I took Jesse's.. he lay'd out his arm.. I hit him... .. hit is a term used to poke them with needle.. I registered.. there was blood.. there was always blood.. I dreamt.. of blood.. I plunged the plunger.. he coughed.. and went to sit down.. as I prepped my needle.. I lay'd out my arm... I hit myself.. .. there was blood... I was taken away.. I thought to myself.. in just a second.. I'll be anything... .. I won't be nothing anymore.. .. I'll be whatever I want to be.. I closed my eyes.. and injected myself with a huge shot of crank.. .. I fell down.. I stood up.. I put down my needle.. Chris awaken'd.. and looked at me with wonder.. Casey's smile turned upside down.. Jesse was laughing.. I could hear all this.... just not very well... I thought I was dead.. I was an angel.. and I was lying there... and not moving.. it was my soul that was moving.. I felt myself drift away.. I was outside... Chris was with me... we had guns... Chris did too.. we were bundled up.. .. I could smell crank.. I checked my pockets.. 2 needles.. and a bag of death.. 2 guns... snow.. .. spoons.. water.. we were set... we drifted.. we went to the woods.. we went to the pond.. we enjoyed the pond.. I thought about Casey.. right then I realized.. I was lying down.. I reached out.. to what.. I don't know.. my memory came back.. it was getting light.. I had done that shot.. over 6 hours ago.. and I didn't' know what I'd done.. I realized me 'n Chris hadn't said a word to each other.. I sat up quickly and said oh my god.. Chris, startled, said whatwhat... I jumped up.. and ran to the house.. Chris.. stayed outside.. I went in.. Jesse was playing pool by himself.. Roger and Casey were fucking.. I could hear them... .. I played pool with Jesse... I didn't know what to say.. I didn't know what to do.. so I put down the pool stick.. and I went to the kitchen table.. .. I got out my spoon.. I got out my water.. I got out my needles.. and I got out my bad of death.. Jesse looked at me.. and said.. you can't possibly be serious.. and I said.. what I'm starting to come down.. Jesse looked at me in disbelief.. he told me.. you got balls, Kenny.. I laughed.. and dumped out a pile.. .. and drew up some water.. and I did another shot.. I put everything away.. and stood up.. I was queasy.. I was swaying this way and that.. but I didn't fall down.. I played pool, with Jesse.. I doubted myself.. my playing ability.. Chris walked up.. and hit the door.. .. he open'd it.. he came in.. I looked at him.. he was smiling.. he said.. lets do another shot.. I said okay and looked at Jesse.. he shook his head.. 'n put down the pool stick.. we did another shot.. I smiled.. and I went to lie down.. I did so.. and stood right back up.. I was thoughtless.. I was tasteless.. I was speechless.. but worst of all.. I was emotionless.. I couldn't feel.. I couldn't do anything.. but I was anything... my mind took me to places I've never been.. .. it took me to a place without thought.. I could hear Roger and Casey fucking... but it sounded worse than that.. I couldn't hear it.. .. but I thought I could.. that's bad.. I didn't know what to do.. I sat down.. I stood up.. .. I played pool.. until I went back outside.. it was light.. it was 10.56... I didn't have to go to work.. that scared me.. 'cuz I knew what I'd do.. I sat outside on the porch.. and thought.. I was able.. I was able to have thought.. I was thankful.. .. I just wished I could feel.. I pinched myself... nothing.. I felt nothing.... I wasn't real.. but was more real than I could ever dreamed to be.. Chris came outside.. tapped me on the shoulder.. and handed me a needle with shit in it.. .. I did it.. ..and I hunched over... and I wept.. .. I cried.. like a little girl.. I cried.. but I didn't show any tears.. I was so far away from myself.. I handed the needle back to Chris.. as he walked back in the house.... I stood up.. and fell off the porch.. I stood back up.. .. and tripped over the porch.. I made my way inside.. Jesse was asleep on the couch.. I took the needle out of his arm.. I handed it to Chris.. my eyes.. were hardly open.. a sign of an od.. .. my cousin noticed it.. and he helped me up... I sat on the pool table.. just shaking.. and my head was bobbing.. to the left.. and to the right... I looked at myself.. I was so skinny... suddenly.. a knock at the door.. .. I looked up.. it was Ronnie.. Ronnie Gilmore.. a tall lanky fellow.. who loved crank.. I open'd the door.. .. he walked in.. I sat on the pool table.. Roger was at work..Casey was asleep.. and me Chris and Jesse... were nowhere to be found even tho.. we were all in the pool room.. I looked at Ronnie.. I smiled.. I knew what he wanted.. he wanted a big shot.. but I made him wait.. wait 'till he couldn't take it anymore.. .. then I gave him a shot... he left.. afterwards... it was at this time I was thinking of writing a novel... do you think I'd be good at it?.. I've started one.. but I don't like it.. I'm going to start over.. Casey never shot up.. she smoked it.. out of a glass pipe.. she was awake.. 'n me Jesse 'n Chris went back there.. and she loaded her pipe.. and she smoked some crank.. and got spun... I didn't need it.. I was already spun... so.. I went back outside.. and I sat on the porch.. Jesse joined me.. we talked.. about nothing.. and about everything.. we just sat.. smoked a joint.. 'n stood back up.. me 'n chris got these little ear sets.. that you can speak into.. and everything.. from a distance away... we put those on.. and went out in the woods.. we didn't' take anything.. .. we weren't out there very long.. we never said a word to each other.. we came back in.. Casey was doing dishes.. and Jesse was doing more crank.. it was 3.30.. I did another shot.. so did Chris.. and it was at that time that Chris said he'd never shoot up again.. 'cuz.. it was too much for him.. .. I hurt him.. he said.. he told me I'd changed his life.. .. and I was happy for that.. but then I thought.. why can't I change my own?.. I couldn't.. I didn't know why.. I was walking around.. doint nothing.. just walking.. aimlessly around the house.. and I didn't give a fuck.. about anything.. I began to rant.. and rave.. about my thoughts.. Chris thought I was psycho.. and so did Jesse.. but.. I had fun... I was telling.. speaking my mind.. but I wanted to stop.. so I did.. I sat down.. and began to look at my dope.. I had so much.. but I had so much time.. but I wanted more.. I wanted to do more.. so I put it away.. so I wouldn't look at it.. but I thought about it.. and I thought about it.. I didn't know.. about anything.. I didn't know.. I was so stupid.. but I was so smart.. Roger came home.. he threw me a baggie.. it was full of more dope.. I looked at him.. he said.. it's what I owe you.. I looked at Chris.. he was smiling.. Jesse.. was dancing... more dope.. we hand more dope.. I extended my arms.. and I asked Roger for a few needles.. he handed them to me... and I smiled.. he walked into the bedroom.. Casey was in there.. she was spun.. Roger got his dope.. 'n he went to the bathroom.. to get spun too.. I had a lot of dope.. so I went to town... I went to my house first.. I dropped off some dope.. to leave for myself.. later on.. you know.. so when I came home.. I could be spun out in my room.. by myself.. (another story)... my eyes began to cross.. I got in my car.. and I went to Justins house.. Justin was a reallyreally close friend of mine.. he has a wife.. named Paula.. who believe I was her soul mate... but she was married... I didn't know about her.. she was weird to me.. but I liked them both.. Justin.. did a shot.. so did Paula.. they loved the dope... we sat around their house all night... talking.. and carrying on.. just.. being spun... I enjoyed myself.. I like them.. their company was good.. and they were more like me.. they cared.. and stuff.. you know?.. the cared about me.. and not just the dope I was bringing in.. but that's okay... I didn't know how to take that.. but I took it.. I went over to his house.. when Justin was at work.. Justin thought I was fucking her.. but I wasn't.. I wasn't at all.. I was a virgin.. still at that time.. we did more dope.. I was happy... and content.. but I was thinking about Casey.. so I went back to her house... Chris.. wasn't there ..Jesse was bumm'n.. he needed more dope.. so I gave him some.. it was the following day.. I had spent that night at Justins house.. it was 3.00 tho.. I went home.. and I went to my room.. and I slept.. I woke up.. at 5.00.. I did more dope.. I stayed in my room.. and I wrote.. I wrote.. and I wrote.. 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