| Current music: | pink floyd- comfortably numb |
i'm baaaaaaack
wooooooooow. it's been so long since i've typed in this journal. i decided to start writing in here ocassionally b/c i really do not like how i feel so exposed on lj. here i can say what i want without having to make a friends only cut or worry about people lurking ( people i know but don't like who are making judgements). reading back on these entries i get so overwhelmed with so many different emotions. right now i feel regretful. i regret how vulnerable i allowed myself to be with steven and how much it has hurt me later on even though we have been seperated for awhile. i sacrificed a lot for someone who did not treat me the way i deserved to be treated. i have tried to remain friends with steven but it has become damn near impossible to do so as he has changed so much. why do i keep trying to salvage a friendship with him? he obviously does not care to stay friends b/c he will tell me " i can't be your friend anymore' at the drop of a hatpin. how can you throw away two or so years of friendship like that and just not give a shit. anyhoo i feel like my life is in shambles right now. i am so depressed that i cannot do simple tasks. my anxiety is so bad that i cannot even make a phone call to my therapist to get the help i desperately need right now. the last time i felt this bad was in highschool. it is the last time i felt like i did not care to live. sometimes i think the only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of the afterlife. i'm scared to really live but more scared to die. every night for the past week or so i go to be crying uncontrollably. after i eat i feel so guilty that i make myself nauseous. sometimes making myself throw up to feel better. for a long time i was masking my depression by constantly keeping busy, going to bars and getting wasted and now that i'm home more it's hit me hard. well, that's all i'll write for now.
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