My life sucks!
Well my life is so confusing, I decided that maybe if I wrote about it I could figure it out. I wont be holding nothing back. First I better do a little background.I got married when I was 16, my husband was 37.(I am now 33 and D my husband is 54.) We have been married 18 years and have 5 kids. Ages 16, 13, 10, 6. and 4.About 3 years after we got married I started suffering from depression and having serious anxiety attacks. I became agoraphobic.(I was afraid to leave the house, or talk to anybody) I spent the next 13 or 14 years like this. I had no friends and very rarely left my house. I became a full fledged alcoholic. My husband already was one when I married him. About 5 years ago we both got sober but I was still mostly homebound. My husband never stayed at a job for more than a month. We were always broke and always fighting.After 4 years of sobriety we both started drinking again. Finally a year ago I had had enough. I decided to leave and get a divorce. I moved back in with my parents. One night I went out to a bar alone. When I got there the guy at the door said I needed a membership or a sponsor. Some guy playing pool said he would sponsor me. I started toward him to thank him when a guy at the bar said hi. I turned to look. I saw the most gorgeous cowboy and knew instantly this is the guy I want. I told the other guy thanks, and went to the cowboy. Maybe this was rude but I couldn't help it. This is how I met my cowboy, K. We were inseparable. God we had fun together. Every week K took a bus to ---- to play 21 and I started going with him. Sometimes we got a room for the night. One time we both won some money and we stayed a week till we were broke. We had to hitchhike home. The guy who gave us a ride was alot of fun. We played ACDC "I've got big balls" over and over on his trucks tape player, laughing our ass's of. After about a month three of my kids came to live with me and I got an apartment. Life was great. My agoraphobia and anxiety were gone.I had 3 of my kids, and friends all over the neighbor hood. (I hadn't had a friend besides K since I was 16) I had my own place. And I had my cowboy. Then one day my husband showed up. He wanted me and the kids to come visit. He said our other 2 kids missed us. I missed them to so we went. They lived out of state. My husband promised to bring me back in two weeks. It was wonderful seeing my other 2 kids but my husband and I fought almost the whole time. The drinking got heavy again to. 2 weeks came and I told My husband I wanted to go back home. He said he couldn't afford to take me. He also told me I was wrong to separate the kids like that and I had a responsibility to stay and be a Mom and a wife. I started feeling guilty so I stayed.My husband and I are sober again and I am now getting my GED and I want to go to college. But I miss my cowboy everyday. My husband and I still fight all the time. Nobody is very happy. But I married D (my husband) for better or worse, (and its worse all right)and we have been married 18 years and have 5 kids. Even though I'm not happy I feel guilty about wanting to leave again. I would just be running from my problems. I feel obligated to make this work somehow, but God I miss my cowboy. I cry all the time. and to top it off K called my Dad and told him to tell me he wants to marry me! It's been a year since I left him and he still wants me back! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?