Ok, I am not even sure if i am going to post this into my other journal or not. You have asked me to do a write up over what happened last night, and to take my time and delve into things a little deeper. Well as i was driving home last night I had a lot of time to think. Then when i got home i did a lot of writing on the situation, and I think i may have figured a few things out.
when I am with you i feel unbelievably safe. You are one of the few people in the world that i am completely and totally honest with. Not that i am lieing to other people in my life, there are just things that i omit from them. as to not hurt them. or have to explain things and then have them judge me. I understand that we live in a cruel cruel world where people are judged all the time. i just don't want any more judgment passed on me then i already have. So here i am with you and you know the secrets you know the things that i like that i can not share with the rest of the world, and in your presence i am safe, i am whole, i am me. I don't have to pretend.
So when i see you my emotions are on a pushed very close to the skin, bc i don't have to be guarded and i don't have to push them down. i feel i can tell you anything and everything, and that you truly want to hear it. Which is very important to me. I don't like sitting and talking to someone and having listen bc they feel obligated. Nothing makes me more angry.
So last night as you took me, my eyes teared as they normally do out of instinct to the first penetration. because it does hurt like hell, that can't be avoided that i know of, it is just a reaction. so as my eyes teared and i blinked, real tears started to from. as they were forming my mind and body went blank, i was still feeling the pain, but in my head i was realizing that i am safe here. i am unbelievably safe. That is where mentally i started to shed, and cry. it was because i knew that you understood. No i didn't ask you to stop, bc somewhere in me i felt that the harder you fucked me the longer you fucked me, the more i could release. there have been a lot of things going on as of late that yes i have cried about, but it is more of tears streaming down my face. not breaking down completely and letting them out. i believe that nothing can really be done to fix things until i get a chance to purge it all and break down, so i can start to rebuild. So last night in many ways was the start of the purge, i got a lot out. As you could tell after my tears were gone, i may have seemed better for it all. i felt new again. it felt amazing.
i know that you also enjoy hearing my pain, all though last night it started with the physical pain (which i am sore today). it ended in the release of a lot of emotional pain that i have been lugging around for a while.
Thank you very much for letting me go through it. for letting me lay in your lap afterward. for talking to me in your very calming voice. and for being there for me. it means more then i could accurately express in words to you. and i am not sure how i could ever repay you for what you give me. i will try my best for you though.
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