| Current mood: |  melancholy |
| Current music: | 1000 words |
my first entry...so this is where ill tell it, as i feel, it is...
good god at the moment i have ot onestly say that up thier, inside my head, is awash with confusion. thiers so much going on that its begining to bring me down. seriously down. but naturaly with me being me ill do m best from stoping you seeing this, thats me. i am the emotional rock. i tend to deal with everything by myself. thier has only been one time where i have ever had to turn to anybody for support. it was, as pernormal with me, all over a guy. after what i would call a very horribul night invloving someguyi got really pset, far more upset than normal with me, and i reang my ex in floods of tears. now i know this seems weird but i fear being weak infront of people, i dont like letting my guard down in front of anybody and doing this, did make me feel better for actualy talking to someone, but you have no idea the ocurage it took for me to do somthing as simple as tell someone how i was really feeling bout tht person what they had done and all my silly teenage troubles at that moment.
its gotten t othe point now where thier is one person who i want to tell alot of things to but i havent, and i swear thier are very good reasons, well i think thier good, why i havent.
the thing is this person has told me alot of things over the past few months and blevie it or not im having a really ard time accepting/beliveing what it is he tells me. there are alot of reasons why. but thier are so many things i want to tell this person. im not going to ever tell that person face to face becasue my time would be very bad since he's seeing some one and after messing round sorting my head out i dont want to bring up and 'me and him' situation right now. but bottom line is i dont think this guy really knows me, and i mean really knows me. im a mess pure and simple. people never see jsut how messed up i realy am. my self-asteam is constantly rock bottom to a point where ihate my slef, totaly and utterly hate myself. how ever dramatic this seems i can assure you this is waht i feel. this person is so self assured that i honestly dont think he would even want a girlfriend like that. ive seen what hes like with his girlfriends especily his current one, and tyhier jsut so full on with each other, jsut really phsical and that the type of people he likes and im not like thati am far more subdue than that. i honestly think that as soon as he would realise what im like he would thin kthat everything between us is exactly the oppisit from what he wants. but on top of all his its kinda how he makes me feel now. im not the smartist person in the wrold but thos guy makes me feel so dumb. everything thing i say every comment i make im always wrong or need correcting in some way. you have no idea what its like to be surrounded by so many smart people and to feel like your getting constantly put down by them. for so one iactually call my best friend, in my personal opion i dont know why i do. how ever hardi try i fall second best to everyoe else. i actually have to fight for my best friends attention. i cant ever see myself being with that person. i cant ever see him being my 'prince charming' that every girl wants. its kind of sad really. then again my absoulte and totaly self harted doesnt help. i really on this guy as my best friend more than i think he knows. even if i choose not to tell him whats wrong, that fact that hes actually spending time with me is more than enough to help me, but when yo feel like such a freak that you jsut dont fit in anywhere wher else do you turn? ive never really fitted in and i have to try twice as hard as anyone else t od othat.how sad does al this seem, my god all i want to to actaully feel accpeted into a group of people, an finaly establish enough trust in one person, have someone who wont betray my trust to able t otell all this sort of stuff to.
funny isnt it how looking at me and how i act that you would never have guessed that this is the shit that fills my mind daily. i have officaly perfected the art of coverin up how i truly feel to put that same mask on that i put on daily to fool you all..
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