|Current mood:||not even sure|
So you change, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh...
Or do I? This is a question that I've been pondering the past couple days, and I'm really not able to come up with much. Rightly or wrongly, I always got the impression that college should be a time of boundless personal growth (now that I think about it I'm not sure where exactly I got that impression from), but it doesn't really seem to have happened.
If anything, I guess I've become a bit more mellow about myself. Mood swings still seem to happen with some regularity, but the lows aren't quite so low anymore. Instead of lying fitfully in bed tormenting myself, I'm at least able to brush it aside and keep functioning. However, even though this is certainly a positive change, it's not exactly a pro-active one, which would most likely have been preferable. It's like suppressing flu symptoms instead of actually attacking the disease. I'm still one of the most socially inept people around, and I fear that that is something that will haunt me well after I'm out of Macalester. I am unable to make friends in my own right. Any that I have here I have because of circumstances that I had no part in initiating, that happened around me and so managed to encapsulate me with no effort on my part (most if not all of this being due to my first roommate). This passive way of letting things come to me doesn't work great as far as quantity goes (not the quantity is necessarily something to be worried about, I still think it can be), and this tactic would almost certainly be less effective outside of an environment like this one. With anyone besides these people, anyone else I want to talk to I rely strictly on coincidental meetings, a few words for a minute or two before ways part. I suppose this may work if all I'm going for is to have people remember my name, but anything past that and it really doesn't do much good. Haven't been on a date for 21 years and going on 4 months. As the time to actually get a job nears, I realize how much of what I previously thought was ambiguousness on what I wanted to do is closer to apathy. I have no particular ambition or lofty goals, the only thing I really want is to be able to come home at night without too much fuss. All this contributes to me not always having the highest opinion of myself, something else that hasn't changed to much in these four years.
A few things that have changed, maybe:
- Have discovered an affinity for a bigger city, something I always suspected that I had since I was in no way fond of the small town countryside, but now know it for sure.
- Have discovered music and actually bought some
- Have discovered soccer and the joys it can bring (this one and the one previously, as above, can be mainly credited to first roommate)
- To go along with the big city, have also found an interested in being at live gigs, having first-run movies just a short distance away
- Have discovered in some part the joys of travel, LA and the UK being the conquests