Title: Harry Potter and the Slytherin Ass
Author: Sid Gittler
Fandom: Harry Potter
MST Rating: Basilisk. Results in death of tingly parts to all who view it.
Date: Sat, 24 Nov 2001 21:55:22 -0500
From: Sid Gittler
Subject: Harry Potter and the Slytherin Ass
Back: Now there is a subject I can get behind. Hur hur.
Ueue: a.k.a. Harry Potter and the Incredibly Uncreative Title
Ellen: I do love the ambiguity of the title. Practically everyone in Slytherin is, canonically, an ass. Or am I about to have my illusions rudely torn away?
The following work is fiction. All the usual warnings apply.
Back: Because all fanfiction includes massive gay orgies.
Telesilla: Don't most lists make you warn for boy pussy?
Ellen: (Claude Rains voice): Round up the usual warnings!
Dark: I never did find the one about having to scour my eyeballs after reading.
In addition all characters are the property of JK Rowling and Scholastic Books. All use is unauthorized.
Back: And how.
Daijin: All use is unauthorized and ill-advised.
Dark: No, really?
All comments to email@example.com.
Back: All of them?
Telesilla: Don't tempt me to comment directly to you. You'll regret it.
Ueue: At times like this I almost wish Rowling had the same hissyfits Anne Rice has when it comes to fanfics.
Harry Potter and the Slytherin Ass
By Sid G (c)2001
Harry Potter's forefinger poked inside Neville Longbottom's bottom
Daijin: Neville Longbottom's ... BOTTOM! Get it? Get it? Shamus the Almost-But-Not-Quite Mary Sue gets it, why aren't you laughing?
Back: I get the feeling he's only in the story so that the author could use this pun. I hate characters like that.
Dark: That's just not necessary, though anything that saves me from another reference to "boy pussy" has some small value.
Ueue: Nastybad punthing! It burnsss, mastersss, it hurtss usssss....
Ellen: That would be a 'yes' to the rude illusion-tearing, then.
as he prepared it for his turn.
Ellen: But at least he's taking care not to rudely tear anything else.
Ron and Shamus
Dark: Who? Some new Gryffindor?
Ellen: Either there's a film-noir detective in Gryffindor now, or Sid can't spell.
Ueue: What the- Hey! I didn't know there was a Sea World in Britain! What the hell is a whale doing here?!
lay naked on Ron's four-poster having already fucked the smaller boy.
Telesilla: As I am not a pervy Longbottom fancier, despite my love of orgies, my parts aren't tingling. Something tells me I'm for a few hours of non-tingling parts.
"Come on Harry, his bum doesn't need any more loosening," Shamus said.
Back: Neville Longbottom - Gryffindor Whore
Ueue: Well of course he'd be loose, given that an ORCA of a weight of several tons has just banged him. ... Oh wait, is that supposed to be Seamus? Silly me, I kept reading that as "Shamu"
Dark: "...about whether or not it's too late to get out of this fic."
Telesilla: (as Harry) I do all my best thinking with my fingers up someone's arse.
Ellen: (Harry): Because nothing is more conducive to thought than stretching Neville Longbottom's well-loosened sphincter.
"About what, some new position?" Ron Weasley said.
Back: Because there are so many other Rons in Harry Potter.
Ueue: Yes. The Wizard's Kama Sutra is required reading, don'tcha know?
Daijin: Ahh, subtlety, breakfast of champions, second only to cock.
Dark: "Yeah. Being a Seeker's getting boring. I was thinking of trying out for Beater next year."
"Huh...huh...he said 'Beater'."
"New arse more like it," Shamus said.
Telesilla: (sings) I want a new arse!
Dark: New and Improved Arse! Now with extra added Boy Pussy!
Ellen: You know, when I see character names repeatedly misspelled, my first thought is that "Sid" is really DracoMalfoyGirl16 under a pseudonym.
"Ten points for Shamus.
Ueue: -250 points from Gryffindor House for allowing the boys to boink in the first place.
Neville has a beautiful bum and is a joy to fuck. But I can think of one boy at school who could use a good butt fucking.
Ellen: But then my second thought is that Sid just hasn't read the books.
Get his tight little buns spread open might do him a world of good."
Ueue: Yeah, I always thought Percy needed a bit of loosening up too...
Back: *wild guess* Snape? He desperately needs to get laid.
Ellen: Sid, the gerund is your friend. Don't be afraid to use it.
Daijin: Grammar helps too.
"I take it this student is not a Gryffindor," Ron said.
Back: Psychic!Ron. Fear.
Daijin: This sentence brought to you by Hong Kong Subtitles, Inc.
"No, its a little blond piece of Slytherin trash goes by the name of Draco Malfoy. He deserves a good fuck."
Ueue: ... Oh. Yes, of course. Rivalry ALWAYS = lust, which ALWAYS = love. Millions of Draco/Harry shippers CAN'T be wrong!
*Coyotl is smothered in the sarcasm*
Back: Because being trash means you deserve some sexxxin' up. Oh yeah.
Dark: Wait--I thought Ron's family was the wizarding world's equivalent of trailer trash?
"Or three," said Ron.
"Or four," said Neville, "but he'll never be willing like me so just fuck me with your man tool."
Daijin: Way to change the topic, Neville.
Dark: "And the Number One Thing Neville Longbottom Should Never Say...'Just fuck me with your man tool, Harry!'"
Back: What, the hammer?
Telesilla: Sure, I can see Neville using a phrase like man tool. Really it could happen. No wait!
Ellen: Harry took off his tool belt. "Gee, which one, Neville? I bet after all that stretching I could fit this drill up your ass."
Ueue: Now now, Longbottom, the world can't always coddle to your needs. Why, in a few years you might turn into a porn badfic author whining for reviews!
"Oh, I think we can get him to cooperate but I will take your advice Neville."
Back: We all know how Draco loves the hammers.
"What advice?" Neville asked genuinely puzzled.
Ueue: Harry: Would you like the hacksaw or the chainsaw?
Back: Speaking of being genuinely puzzled... Or, actually, more like disturbed.
Ellen: The comma is your friend, too, Sid.
"This," Harry said and slid his hard five inches into Neville's hole.
Daijin: Oh. That.
Back: "Quick, he's sprung a leak!"
Ueue: Hard five inches of what? A ruler? T-square? Clarify, people! And since the kids are British, wouldn't they be using metric units of measurements?
Telesilla: I should be impressed that, unlike so much unrealistic slash, we have a plausible measurement for Harry here. But no.
Dark: I really didn't need to know that.
"Ah," Neville said.
Back: Most unenthusiastic sex ever.
Dark: He sounds rather bored. Any minute now I'm expecting him to ask for something to read.
Telesilla: "Ah?" Is he getting fucked by Harry's five inch man tool or having a nice refreshing diet coke?
Ueue: Longbottom's enthusiasm brings tears of joy to my eyes. Really. I can never tell those apart from the crocodile tears though.
Ellen: And really, what more is there to say?
Harry was quickly into the hilt and he took a deep breath before starting a slow steady rhythm. On each backstroke he left just his cockhead inside the ring before going all the way back in.
Back: Someone enjoys the kiddie porn a little too much. Fortunately, it's not me.
Ellen: It's the little details like this that make the story come to life.
Dark: Oversharing! Roughing the reader, ten yard penalty!
Over and over while on the other bed Ron and Shamus went into their own 69.
Back: I'll bet they learned all about sex from reading slash smut on the Internet.
Telesilla: (sings) you're livin in your own private 69
Ueue: ... I'm still seeing "Shamus" as an orca.
Harry reached and touched his wand.
Back: The symbolism here should be obvious.
Back: THAT. IS. NOT. LATIN.
he said and Neville instantly flipped over on his back while Harry never missed a stroke.
Ueue: Then Harry screamed in pain as the friction twisted his dick.
Back: Guh? Is this physically possible? Shouldn't certain dangly bits be in mortal agony at the moment?
Dark: No. Just...no. For one thing, wouldn't Harry's "five inches" get tied in a knot? That just sounds painful, and not in a good way.
Telesilla: I'd comment on the sheer physical impossibility here, but I'm still gone on "Flippus buttus."
Ellen: Sadly, this makes me nostalgic for the ubiquitous lubrication spells.
Daijin: Get it? "Stroke!" It's funny!
Neville started stroking his two incher while looking into his idol's face.
Back: This right here has got to be the absolute worst line in the history of smut.
Telesilla: Two incher? This is anti-porn isn't it? If I bring it in to contact with, say, Mr. Benson, will a massive porn/anti-porn reaction take place?
Ellen: Clearly, Harry has a tape measure on that tool belt of his.
Dark: "I will worship you, great Pan, if only you will give me more inches."
The famous scar glowed with lust.
Ueue: I don't ever remember hearing about Harry's scar glowing...
Back: His eyes, on the other hand, glowed with boredom. Just like mine, incidentally.
Telesilla: On the other side of the school, Professor Snape looked at the scar on his arm. "Damned Potter is at it again!"
Ellen: (Dumbledore voice): "It is my belief, Harry, that your scar hurts when Lord Voldemort is near you, and it glows when you are feeling a particularly strong surge of lust."
Dark: Not only is Harry a Voldemort-Detector; he makes a dandy night-light too!
"Yeah boy, work that boy cock while I fuck your boy pussy.
Back: Someone has strange taste in euphemisms.
Telesilla: (looks innocent) Oh there are animals in this one too? How cute, a chicken and a kitty!
Daijin: Yeah, boy, work that boy cock with your boy hands while I look into your boy eyes and fuck your boy pussy in your boy bed, boy. Boy howdy.
Ueue: Is Neville's boy pussy self-lubricating? Isn't it completely redundant to mention "boy" so many times? Is Harry so confused by Neville's gender that he has to remind himself constantly? Did he have a bad encounter with Oliver/Olive?
It's not going to be long before I fill you with my seed."
Telesilla: And from this seed, a lovely flower will grow.
Dark: If a thousand flowers bloom, I really don't want to know about it.
Ellen: And it's not going to be long before I fill that wastebasket with my lunch at this rate. Good god.
All Neville could do was groan from the twin pleasures of a full hole and the multiple dry orgasms he was experiencing.
Ellen: This may well be the least titillating sentence I have ever read.
The twitching bottom brought Harry closer and closer to the edge even as he left it buried to the hilt.
Back: He left the twitching bottom buried to the hilt? How does that work?
Telesilla: Is that twitching bottom Neville himself or just his arse? Inquiring minds want to know. Well no, actually this inquiring mind wants out.
Ellen: Okay... he left the 'twitching bottom', but something's still 'buried to the hilt'... I think he really did shove a drill up there.
Dark: Now I'm really confused. I thought he was fucking The Bottom, not burying it. And doesn't "The Twitching Bottom" sound like it should be the name of a pub?
"Shit," Harry cried as he shot his load up Neville's rear.
Back: Ironically, he was correct.
Daijin: Such passion. It's so romantic.
By the time Harry was finished his seed was dripping out of Neville's well used rear.
Back: The euphemism stopped working. Seeds don't drip. Semen drips. Say semen, dammit.
Telesilla: What with all the cocks and the boy pussies and so on, using the word rear here is needlessly coy.
Dark: That was *not* a visual I needed, thank you!
Ueue: Harry dear, that's why you should give him an enema before molesting his prepubescent ass. Man, it's going to be hell trying to explain this mess to whoever does the laundry.
On Ron's bed Ron and Shamus stiffened and shot their second loads of the afternoon into each other's mouths.
Daijin: But, they don't matter, so no details for you.
Ellen: Having, one devoutly hopes, cleaned up after using Neville's rear.
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